Sheye Rosemeyer Photography

Close Your Eyes, I've Got A Surprise...

2008-08-28T05:00:00.007+10:00

(is what Ava used to say..)

Finally, after just a few tweaks :p, my new blog is live!! I'm so excited but even more nervous..It sounds silly but I'm a bit sad about leaving my Blogger site..even though I have copied all the posts and comments from here over to there..it still feels strange. What started out as a simple blog to share life with friends and family has become so much more to me, more than I can explain in this post, but you all know. So, I'm all sentimental and excited at once.

Please head on over, bookmark the new site and soon I will umm, probably close this one, I guess..(Ouch, it hurts to type that!)

S xxx

www.sheyerosemeyer.com/blog

Smiling.

2008-08-24T21:21:00.008+10:00

I am.
How lucky do I feel? Very.

I never, ever expect the amazing support I get - you, you beautiful people, always catch me unaware and I sit back in amazement and wonder and gratitude. Thankyou.
So many reasons to smile.

All the beautiful words and thoughts and prayers and emails..making me feel less alone this week..the beautiful poems and stories shared..they all made a difference.

The sweetest butterfly earings from Krysta arrived, suprising me as I surely thought a box from Juicy could only mean one thing. Wrong, I was, and so glad for it because these are just perfect.

Sue sent me Coco. If you're not obsessed with Maileg as I previously divulged, you may not be aware that Coco is, in fact, a bunny. Though to describe her as that is so very inadequate for Coco is wearing a pink crochet frock, knickers and mary-janes. Are you with me now? See? But, even better, Coco arrived with her formal attire as well..A pink evening gown with tiara, silver knickers and silver shoes. Oh, and on a coathanger, of course. She is so, so divine and I cannot believe she is mine.

Lea sent me Bailea's Twingy skirt. It made me cry to see that fabric as I opened her parcel. Not sad tears, just overwhelmed tears. That I am so lucky to have such beautiful people in my life. She said for me to let Ivy play dressup in it. And isn't that just perfect? That the skirt that I had obsessed over and imagined would be worn to the most special of occassions would in fact end up in the dress up box. I love that it encompasses everything I know to be true now..That there is nothing more important than just letting your children live in the moment and being right there with them. Such a perfect gift.

The amazing photographer, Dee (Detra) did this beautiful, beautiful tribute for Ava. You only need to look at it to know what it meant to see it. I keep going back to stare at it some more. Dee, you took my breath away.

Jen sent me a rainbow. It started out as a card but it was more than that. On Ava's birthday last year, as we sat at the memorial garden, the sky gave us a beautiful rainbow. On Friday, as we drove away from the Gold Coast, the skies opened for the first time in weeks and it absolutely poured. We could not see in front of us for a few minutes while traffic almost halted on the highway. When it did clear though, the rainbow was glorious. The clearest and most vivid I had ever seen. When I got home, Jens card had arrived complete with the most gorgeous image of a rainbow and butterflies.

Kate gave me something so very beautiful that I'm keeping it for it's own post. It needs photos, lots of them.

And one more gift? Out of nowhere, Ivy called me "Miss Mummy". And suddenly, for the first time since February 2007, I remembered that Ava used to call me that. How I forgot, I don't know..but I did. And to hear those words again..my heart sings.

Our day was peaceful. We visited Paradise Kids and donated the money from the workshop registrations and attended Parent Group. It was nice to see everyone.
We then went to Ava's garden and released balloons and stayed a while.
A simple, quiet day that didn't feel right but didnt' feel wrong either and that is a huge baby step forward from last year.

Thankyou, again, so very much to all of you.

Love,
Ava's Mummy.
xx

A day.

2008-08-22T06:20:00.000+10:00

There was a day.

When I first knew of you.
A little earlier than expected.
And my heart skipped.
And I cried with suprise.

There was a day.
When I was told you were she.
Which I truly could not believe.
And my heart sang.
And I cried with gratitude.

There was a day.
When you arrived so quietly.
You. Finally. It was you.
And my heart burst.
And I cried with happiness.

There was a day.
When I bought you a tutu.
Pink, and sparkly, of course.
And my heart danced alongside you.
And I cried with love.

There was a day.
Like any other day.
Except you left for Heaven.
And my heart broke.
And I cried. Endless tears.

There was a day.
It was yesterday.
Ivy said she wanted to ring you.
And my heart ached.
And Daddy cried.

There was a day
That should have been your birthday.
We'll celebrate it anyway.
But our hearts mourn.
And tears, we still cry.

My darling Ava.

No matter how much I want to celebrate your birth on this day, it is so buried underneath the sorrow of what should have been.

You should be excited.
You should be here.
You should be five.

I can only imagine what you might have looked like now, what toys you would have
loved, what cake you would have wanted. Would your squeals sound older? Would your hair be longer? Would you have had a party?

I bought a pinata..a Dora one. And a tiara. And so many balloons. Be ready to catch them, won't you?

Happy Birthday, my little Superprincess.

Iloveyousomuch.
Mumma. xx

Reason # 187 Why I Love My Job.

2008-08-18T18:46:00.010+10:00

Because I get to spend time with some of the most beautiful people.
Oh, how very sweet these girls were...it wasn't always easy to take their photos because they wanted to walk holding my hand the whole time! I wasn't complaining!
And, how gorgeous are their names? It was very, very hard not to take them both home.

Sweet distraction.

2008-08-18T11:42:00.002+10:00

I'm working..really, I am. In fact, I'm starting to think sleep is incredibly inconvenient.
I just came across this little collage I'd made back in December 06. {I've uploaded it bigger, just click to see it properly.}

Ava begged for baked beans. I knew she'd hate them. We spent a good few minutes debating back and forth with her insisting she really, really wanted the baked beans. And, as predicted, she hated them.

I remember the day so clearly.

Ten Things {I love about Mummoo}

2008-08-15T11:38:00.004+10:00

1. She can shop like no-one else I know. The Orginal and The Best. Cooking? Cleaning? Budgeting? My mother taught me none of these...she raised me to understand that as long as the shops were open for trading, nothing else mattered.

2. She puts everyone else before her. I once read a quote that said "My mother was put on Earth for the sole purpose of being my mother". When I think of it, I think of her.

3. She gets every single bug my kids lovingly gather up and pass to her yet she still lets them in the door.

4. She goes to Crabtree and Evelyn for my nighties.

5. She's my advice line for interior design, medical emergencies, current sales, good restaurants and all things sensible.

6. She knows my limitations and tries to gently steer me from my ever-changing (and often poorly thought out) notions.

7. She lives down the road. {A dream, literally, come true}.

8. She's 100% trooper. When the going gets tough...well, you know. So many days, she's been my firefly.

9. She always has good cheese and great wine in the house.

10. She's the Mum I want to be when I grow up.

Mummoo, I love you.

S xx

Evolve Registrations.

2008-08-14T09:43:00.005+10:00

For Explore participants wanting to register for Evolve:

After losing the battle with Paypals Email Link Function Thingo yesterday, I've reinstated the registration link on the Evolve webpage..just go right ahead and register..I will email out a receipt.

http://www.eyecandyworkshops.com/evolve.html

I have allowed extra places for Explore participants and will leave registration open another week.

Thankyou to all, once again! Not long until Explore starts!!

S x

Lewis & Daddy

2008-08-12T09:16:00.004+10:00

I knew I'd love Lewis when his Mum informed me early on that he usually does the opposite of what all the other kids are doing. Sounds like a little person destined for big things to me :)

And this just makes me miss having really little boys..

S xx

ps My Inbox has a nasty habit of fainting lately..Although I've revived it again this morning, please be patient if I owe you a reply - I'm working through the backlog over the next few days.

**Eye Candy - Some of you have written to ask about doing Evolve after Explore which I know was the intention of quite a few of the Explore participants - I have set aside places for those who've asked already and will be emailing those people tomorrow - if you haven't yet asked and want to be included in Evolve, please let me know asap.

Jasper.

2008-08-11T07:46:00.001+10:00

I just love this image of freshly-baked baby Jasper. His weary, confused expression totally strikes a chord with me today!

Welcome to the {or is it my} World, little one :)

Ma petite fille Ivy

2008-08-10T10:13:00.009+10:00

It's so cold. Freezing even. I simply do not cope with anything other than warm sunny days where I can roam around in sunfrocks and flip flops..Winter makes me miserable. Even I thought I looked ridiculous last night as I headed to bed in 2 singlets, 2 woolen jumpers, trackpants, wooly socks and even woolier scarfe. I could barely move all night for the ten layers of blankets. I knew I was cold when I even took the fan off high. (You might recall my must-have-the-fan-on-high-no-matter-what quirk.)

It seems it is possible to brave the cold in something much more chic though - Ivy went out shopping with her Daddy and got to try out her new beret and knee socks (Janie and Jack) from Sweet Ms Krysta.

It's been a slightly exhausting week - one of those where you just put one foot after another, with sniffly nose and an endless to-do list, and hope it all works out in the end. The fact that it's now August does not help - Ava's birthday looms and clouds my thoughts, making the days just a little more difficult than usual.

On a happy note, Kate bought me a pinhole camera which makes me smile every time I see it - I can't wait to play with some film, it's been forever. Here's us girls hamming it up in the photo-booth last week.

I also, thanks to Krysta once again (that girl knows how to shop), have developed a Juicy charm fixation. Seriously, these things are SO cute..I can't stop Googling and my list of must haves is growing by the day...

I was very restrained though, here is what I have so far..

Ballet shoes for Ava..

and this mirror 'cause it's sweet. I have a thing for pretty mirrors.

I have no doubt that less here but I can't resist them - I've seen a bluebird and I'm doomed.

I'll be back with client photos tomorrow - I've had some lovely shoots lately.

S xx

There's No Place Like Home

2008-08-06T08:41:00.004+10:00

Going away is lovely - coming home is even better. Own sheets, own coffee cup, own everything. Bliss.

It seems the more images I have to share, the less time I have to do just that so I'm sorry for the slow blogging. It's been crazy busy of late and I'm straight back into it with shooting solid for the next week - hopefully I can actually show some evidence of that here soon!

Speaking of busy, I'm afraid I've had to make the decision to close registrations for both workshops as of today. I am genuinely thankful for the huge response and want to make sure I can give as much time to every participant as possible so I apologise to those who might have missed out. It's possible I will run these again in the new year. To everyone who's registered, thankyou so much! I'm really looking forward to getting started..

S xx

Out and About.

2008-07-27T19:09:00.006+10:00

Thanks to those who've sent a little note wondering where I've gone this week..I obviously cannot sneak off too far and not be noticed! We're away on a mini-break and although I did take the laptop, internet access is not so reliable. I'll be home in a week so will have plenty to share then!

For those who've paid for Eye Candy workshops in the last few days, I've not been able to send out receipts - please rest assured I'll send them out as soon as I have my trusty Mac back. Thankyou again to every person who has signed up - I'm thrilled to have such a great response and really am looking forward to getting started!

Thought I'd pop in this sweet photo of Monique and Ollie. Makes me smile.

S x

Soar.

2008-07-21T16:25:00.004+10:00

Ava loved being in her angel wings. She wore them with her best dresses, she wore them with nothing. They made an appearance on most days until they became tired and tatty and Mason did what Mason does and broke them. I remember the tears that followed and me dutifully going to buy her another pair.

I was telling Tegan a story today over email..how one night I could hear Ava in the room next door thudding around and getting very cranky over something. It continued for a while so I went in and saw her standing in the middle of the coffee table, frown firmly plastered. I asked "Ava, what's wrong?" to which she replied, frustrated, "Mum, I just can't do it". So, asking what "it" was, she then replied "I just can't fly".

I once posted here some images of her jumping on the lounge and told how when I said "Ava, stop jumping", she replied with "I'm not jumping Mummy, I'm flying". My post ended with the words "Soar, sweet child, soar". As we released balloons the day of her funeral and stood watching them fade away, I spoke the same words.

These images were taken 14 days before she left. I wandered past and saw her standing on a chair, just staring out the window. She wasnt' saying anything, there was really nothing to look at from there, but she appeared so thoughtful, and beauty full, in her wings and tiara. I actually went and got the camera and Crayton to come and see her - there was such serenity in her at that moment. I could only get a couple before she saw me and the moment was gone. I'm so glad I captured it.

I miss my girl today. I miss her every single day but yesterday has passed and all I can think is today, I miss her more. And it will be the same tomorrow. It just is.

S xx

Just As Cute {In Silhouette}.

2008-07-16T23:04:00.005+10:00

Recently Fran shared how Poppy had just "found her shadow" which made me laugh as it was the same week that Ivy, too, had found hers. The girls are only weeks apart so it's cute to see them behave so much alike. That's me off to the side in the 2nd last one :)

Peek Through My Window {Part 3} & more.

2008-07-15T13:14:00.007+10:00

Picking up where I left off with q&a's.. My head is spinning with phototalk today so I'm running with anything that does not involve a camera :)

Ok I want to know who does your brows these days?

Hilarious! Really, my eyebrow obsessed days are overrrr. I used to pay obscene amounts for "brow work" ;p but these days I hope for slow traffic lights to give me a minute to get the tweezers out! Well not quite but something like that. Thanks for making me think they're worthy though :)

Was the children's book for Ava (mentioned last year) ever written/pubished?

It was written and illustrated beautifully but Tiffany and I are still in the process of fine tuning. It's a big thing to organise decent publishing that doesn't cost the Earth..I really want it to be available to anyone, anywhere - no easy feat :) Still, I'm so committed to seeing it in print - the test run version is gorgeous! I am so grateful to Barb Uil and Tiffany Ard for turning an idea into something beautiful, I really can't wait to share it.

Do you picture Ava as an almost 5 year old or will she always be 3 and a half in your mind?

A hard question. I see her as 3.5. I can't really imagine her any other way. As Ivy gets past the age Ava was I guess I will see what Ava might have been like. I don't like to ponder how she might have looked or what she might be doing now, there is so much to miss already I'd rather not add new things to the list. To see other children at the age she should be makes my heart hurt.

What laundry detergent do you buy?

Don't mind Kate, she's a little bit odd. But just in case anyone else needs to know - OMO.

How did you get your start in photography?

Okay, I included this photography one because I wanted to add a bit to the previous answer I gave to a similar question.

Around the time I bought my first DSLR, I was in McDonalds one day and Ava began babbling to a man sitting near us. After a few minutes he introduced himself as a photographer.. Long story short, he asked me to assist at a wedding a few weeks later and sick with nerves, I did. Somehow, I shot the whole thing on manual, I didn't even know AV was an option..plus I ran out of memory too soon but I did it and I learnt a lot from that one day. It really was a chance meeting that inspired me so much. Thanks Dean :)

Can I buy Ivy from you?

Sure, I'm currently running a Buy One Get One Free promo..you'll also get my oldest child, Luca. He's 9 and, just like Ivy, is suffering Gastric Flu this week. That won't be a problem will it?

Do you ever travel to the United States? If you do come to the States, would you consider doing photo shoots while you are here?

Reasonably often actually...I'll be over quite soon but not shooting this time unfortunately.. I will definately try to work it in for the trip after though - remember my husband doesn't let a day go by without mentioning a move to the States! This won't be our last trip :)

Other things for today:

Eye Candy..

I've had a few questions from people who aren't sure whether they should do Explore or Evolve. Basically, if you do not know how to use your camera on manual, or you want to develop your creativity beyond happy snaps, start with Explore. It's a workshop designed to help get started with the basics of taking good images and enhancing in Photoshop..

If you're quite confident with what you're doing in regards to your camera and Photoshop but still feel you have room to improve or want to develop your creativity, along with those going into business, Evolve is ideal.

Obviously, I've not done this before but I'm working hard to make sure both courses are good value with lots of information and insight - I expect the forum will be a great place for people to ask anything I might not have covered. I hope this helps anyone who's not sure which workshop to do.

And finally, a couple of images of Whitney who Kate and I thoroughly enjoyed shooting on Saturday.

Can't resist a quirky leg shot.

Sheye xx

Eye Candy Workshops are go!

2008-07-14T16:03:00.009+10:00

So what started as a question and answer post has taken on a life of it's own..my inbox is overflowing with enthusiasm and support! Thankyou so much for all of the interest shown, I hadn't really considered running a workshop any time soon but now that I am, I'm hugely excited and really enjoying putting it all together. I've happily chosen Eye Candy as a name that suits me and my love for all things candy coloured!

Over the past few days, I've discovered that there is a wide range of skills amongst you and it would not be practical to run one workshop for everyone so, two it is!

The first, Explore, will be designed for the beginner who doesn't necessarily need to own a DSLR camera. As long as you're inspired to learn, this workshop will help you gain a better undertanding of digital photography and what makes a great image. It will also be a good introduction to image enhancement in Photoshop. This workshop will run from around the end of August for four weeks and be self paced.

The second workshop, Evolve, will be aimed at the serious ameteur or semi-professional who wants to build upon their knowledge to develop more creative, professional images and enhance their Photoshop skills. It will also include lots of tips and information for those considering starting up or growing their own photography business. This workshop will begin around mid October for six weeks and also be self paced.

Both will include an interactive forum.

I've had a good think about how to proceed and have realised that to do this properly and give it the time and attention it deserves, I will need to close my photo session calender for the duration of the workshops. In order to do this, I've had to put what I believe is a reasonable charge in place - I hope this is still appealing to potential participants.

If you're wanting to participate, please click on the Explore and Evolve links above and register.
I am really looking forward to getting to know people better in a fun and inspiring environment.. thanks again for the opportunity to do this :)

Sheye xx

Workshop Update!

2008-07-11T10:32:00.003+10:00

Wow! I have been totally, totally overwhelmed with the response to my workshop suggestion. It certainly seems like something worth doing and I appreciate all the support shown!

I am in the process of sending out emails today and must apologise in advance that I can't send hugely personal emails back to everyone - many of you have taken the time to write such beautiful things.. Thankyou so much :)

I'll post full details of the workshop here once it's all finalised - I imagine it will be ready to go by middle to end August.

I'm very excited about this opportunity, thankyou!

S xx

Edited to add: If you're wanting to enquire, please send me an email:

sheyerosemeyer@bigpond.com

I'd hate to miss anyone's comment here! Those who've commented so far I have included in my list.

Also, just to clarify, it is an online workshop - I've had a couple of people getting their bags packed! Do I need to make up extra rooms?!

Thanks again for all the support :)

S xx

Peek Through My Window {Part 2}

2008-07-10T10:22:00.005+10:00

It's so lovely to have you all take the time to write questions, thankyou so much! I'm wondering this: because so many of the questions are photography related, I would be happy to do an online workshop for those interested. I don't mind sharing tips here but in all honesty, I feel like my blog is a difficult place to expand on specific techniques with the detail that's probably needed. For the more general, quick q's, I will add them in...

If you are interested in signing up for a workshop, please send me an email so I can gage interest. It will be aimed at beginners and those looking to move towards starting a business. I will be happy to share as much as asked and will offer personal c&c for participants. If interest is there, I will be looking at running it from around mid August.

I really hope by doing it this way, I can put the required time and effort into helping those who genuinely want to learn in more of a one-on-one environment. Just send me an email (sheyerosemeyer@bigpond.com) if you'd like to register interest.

So, a few more Q&A's for today!

Have you ever thought about selling or sharing some of your own actions?

Often! I plan to sell them as soon as I have time to get a pretty page up :)

What was the hardest shoot you ever had?

Probably my very first, just because of sheer nerves.

Do you ever still get nervous or intimidated?

I do, but not as often as I used to. If I'm well prepared I'm usually more relaxed..Early on I was quite terrified actually.

How long have you been photographing clients?

Since 2004 but it's taken me quite a while to get in the swing of shooting regularly.

How many shoots do you have during the week/month?

Usually one a week..sometimes two. I rarely take on more than that otherwise I find myself in a bit of a spin. I never want to feel like photography is a chore - I do it because I love it.

How much time do you spend editing?

I usually proof a shoot in a day. The more time I take to prepare pre shoot, the less time it takes in editing.

What did you do before photography?

I was the woman you rang to shout at when your phone bill arrived.

You never talk about your mother... has she passed on?

Oh no! She's very much alive and well and lives just down the road from me. I actually moved up to Brisbane to be closer to her :) We have a regular shopping date most weeks and talk on the phone most days. Mum is my rock.

This month I would like to know how you shoot into the sun without getting harsh sun flare?
In some of your pictures the sun looks so diffused and soft.

There are lots of variables that affect how flare appears. It comes down to the position of the subject, the position of the sun, what's in-between the two, the time of day and the aperture you're using and making sure you compensate with exposure. It takes a while to feel comfortable shooting into the sun but it's worth learning.

What is the most profound spiritual moment of your life?

Giving birth to Ava and Ivy, in water, without drugs. Holding Ava just after she passed away. I cannot seperate the three as I believe the primal intensity of each of those situations was very, very similar.

How would you describe yourself in one sentence?

Altered.

Are you willing to share the pre-PS versions of the images from this post?

Why yes I am! I will dig them out and post them this week.

Okay, it's school holidays and I have a date with two cute boys and a ten pin bowling alley.

S xx

Peek Through My Window {Part I}

2008-07-08T18:05:00.012+10:00

Okay, well.. I've shut up shop, sent the kids to foster homes and suggested my husband take up golf...It's going to take me a million billion years to answer all those questions!! Thanks so much for the great mix of topics, I'm going to start at the start and see how we go :)

"I have to photograph my bf's niece for her mum and i was wondering what advice you could give?In particular for bright eyes.."

Not knowing the age of the subject, it's hard to give specific suggestions for a shoot but in reference to bright eyes, light is most important ingredient. Face her towards the light (if inside have her positioned beside a big window if possible) and make sure your camera settings are adequate enough to let lots of light in. Don't forget to bump up your ISO when needed. You can always lighten up a little further in post processing with the dodge tool.

"I am just starting out and wondering if you have any tips or advice ?"

If I could do my time over when I was learning, I'd make sure I was disciplined about when I picked up the camera...to put effort into preparing the subject, the location and choosing the time of day instead of just winging it and hoping it would work. I learned a lot by my mistakes but I think preparation is really important if you want quality images.

Also, don't compare yourself. Be inspired but don't be intimidated - anyone can be a great photographer with effort and determination. Love what you do and don't be too influenced..the image I've posted tonight is not technically strong but I like it so to me it's good enough :)

"What is your fav holiday memory?"

Oh, so many - I can't choose!

Shopping with you Jen in the States :) & seeing snow for the first time in Yosemite, over 10 years ago now.

Visiting Assisi in Italy with Crayton - it's beyond description.

Walking around beautiful Spanish influenced buildings at sunset in Laguna Beach earlier this year.

"What is some music that gives you great memories?"

Purple Rain by Prince - growing up in my Grandmothers crazy house full of kids - what a blast.

She's Crafty by The Beastie Boys - reminds me of a complete lack of responsibility at 16.

Anything Smiths/Joy Division/The Cure - all take me right back to teenagerdom.

R.E.S.P.E.C.T by Aretha - driving around Cali with Jen and Sandra in a big old Lincoln, a great girly holiday.

My Baby Just Cares For Me by Nina Simone - my wedding song.

Anything Backyardigans - makes me see Ava dancing around the loungeroom.

"What is the hottest love scene in a movie you have seen and why?"

Here's a confession - I cannot stand the sight (or sound) of other people kissing so love scenes often have me shutting my eyes and blocking my ears. It's that Catholic schooling I tell you.

Where in the world are you most inspired?

Laguna Beach - Arty, pretty, great light and near to good shops. All I need.

Oh, and Flickr.

How did you get started in photography?

I have always loved it, right from school but couldn't quite understand it, even after doing courses. It wasn't until Ava knocked my camera off the table and I took the opportunity to buy a DSLR that I really started to get my head around it.

"What is your favorite lens?"

The 50 1.4mm (well it would be the 50 1.2 if I owned it!) for a beautiful prime and the 24-70 2.8 for a great zoom with the perfect range. Both are essentials to me.

"How do you get that amazing color?"

I use my own actions for most of my images. I just tend to like my colors more "candyish" rather than "poppy" so I play until they look appealing to me. I never have a clear process, I find every image needs something slightly different and it's taken quite a while to stop wanting to proof in a million different ways - I tend to know what suits me when I get there.

"I'm embarrassed to say I don't know what heatwheats are."

And I think I'm embarrassed that I do! They're little bags of wheat that you can heat up in the micro, akin to a hot water bottle!

"What types of things do you say to other people's children to get those gorgeous expressions?"

A hard question as I think it's different for every family. I tend to play hide and seek and chasey a bit which does mean more camera shake than I'd like but it's worth it when I do get that real happy coming through. I also tickle feet (and often make smelly feet accusations!!) and whisper silly secrets too. Because I love obsure angles, it doesn't worry me that I'll usually be holding the camera in a strange place while actively playing..it seems to work in the end! There are times it is better having the parents do the playing more than me though, depending on the nature of the child.

Okay, I think that's information overload and I'll do some more in the next couple of days. I'm really enjoying answering these, thanks again for taking the time to ask :)

S xx

The Early Years.

2008-07-06T16:53:00.016+10:00

Having a look back through old photos today, specifically those that I believed at the time to be cutting edge creative. A little grain here, a little high key there and presto. It's funny to see them now, with all their flaws and over processing, but they still make me smile knowing I liked them at the time. While this feels akin to showing old bad perm photos, I'm game.

(As tempting as it was to try to redeem these, I'm showing them in their original glory.)

Here you have March 2002. The boys were actually at the beach. There was sand..and waves. It's amazing what one can do with a white paintbrush and vision.

Moving on to 2004...a very tinted, slightly blurry Mason. Throw in a grunge border and voila, insta-creativity. Loved this back in the day, I did.

Here comes the high key again..and you can't go wrong with a tight crop, right?

I actually don't mind this one of Luca, back when I didn't have a remote clue how to get sunflare so no doubt this was a happy accident.

This one is from my first ever shoot with someone I didn't know...a real client. I was beyond nervous, I remember not shutting up for 2 hours straight in complete fit of Fake It Till You Make It approach. I obviously had a lot of enthusiasm for the good old Teeth Whiten action.

It wasn't all bad - I'd obviously realised by this stage that leaving the background in was sometimes a good thing.

So there you have it..a rundown of When Photoshop Attacks. As per Frans wise suggestion, I'm going to double dare all of you to open your dodgy PS vaults and tell all.

In an attempt to reduce the guilt factor that comes with my Inbox, I'm going to do a Q&A day here once a month, starting today..I get lots of interesting questions via email, some photography related and some not and don't always have time to answer all of them.. I then end up feeling awful and neglectful. So, if there is something you've asked and I've missed or something you're wanting to ask - no matter how obscure, go right ahead and ask in comments, I will do a new post during the week with answers :)

S xx

Happy, Healthy and Here.

2008-06-29T21:24:00.008+10:00

This is what Crayton and I talked about today...that the only thing that matters is that we are happy, healthy and here. Above and beyond that is all bonus. All the hours I wasted worrying about the stoopid stuff that Does Not Matter, I can't go back and do them over but I can, and do, approach life a little differently these days. I just love the freedom in not caring as much - I'm a self proclaimed expert in filtering out the insignificant like never before. We plan to make Happy, Healthy and Here our new catch-cry around here. I like it.

Speaking of really happy, I can't tell you how great today was! Finally this month, after years of waiting, our gorgeous friend Laureen and her lovely family arrived on holiday from Canada and we got to meet up! Kate's brood also joined in for a beautiful afternoon at the beach where all our kids made for a lot of happy noise and chaos. Laureen is a super talented photographer with a camera bag well worth stealing - I'm pretty sure she's got some lenses in there Canon don't even know they've made. You can imagine the shop talk with us three girls together in one place.

Earlier in the day, my Macey borrowed my camera and declared he thought it was pretty fun being "photo boy". I think he does a great job considering the camera weighs more than him! Ivy was not well today but still manages to look cute - don't you love her toddlernap hair?

This makes me laugh.

This makes me swoon.

Lastly, already being at the beach on such a glorious day, it was the perfect place for Monique & Tony's shoot with Sam & Oli. How gorgeous are these boys? (Click for correct resolution).

A lovely way to end my lovely day!

S xx

I went shopping and I bought.

2008-06-28T23:11:00.001+10:00

This week, I shopped. I'm sure I did other things but the shopping matters most.

What I saw: This positively gorgeous bunny from Danish company, Maileg. I'm not a stuffed animal kinda girl, not even as a child did I find them appealing but this is something totally irresistable - it was so big, amazing quality and those crochet shoes! I love bunnies and I love vintage so I was instantly smitten. Cheap, she was not so there she stayed. Sigh.
I then found on their website a Princess and The Pea..it's one of my favourite kids stories so it's another lust-have item. (I just can't imagine that bed arriving in one piece from Denmark).

Then of course I did the obligitary Ebay scout and found the perfect thing - an angel princess! She even has red spotty shoes and her wings are detachable. She's winging her way from the UK to me now :)

Also needed to get this and this for Ivish. She won't normally do denim but I figured the frill might just get a look in. The coat - what's not to love? Both from Big by Fiona Scanlan.

Welllll, you'd shop for her too if she looked at you like this:

(Pics courtesy of Buckets and Spades and Miss Kate.)

I also acquired some antique bone handle knives, heatwheats shaped like animals for the kids, the lastest copy of Frankie, a pretty nightie and some fine wine. Got to be happy with that :)

S xx

Scarlet & The Vintage Pram

2008-06-27T15:22:00.003+10:00

Recently I was driving down a busy road when I saw a most beautiful vintage dolls pram outside a 2nd hand store. A hasty u-turn and sixty dollars later, she was mine. Even with the rust spots covering more of it than the paint does, I still love it.

A few days after my purchase I had a shoot booked with Scarlet and her Mummy and thought the pram would be perfect. Once I arrived at their beyond gorgeous home though, I thought twice about my rusty old prop and sheepishly left it in the car.

Little did I know, Marissa has a love for vintage toys and they were everywhere, including a pram much like my very own, sans rust! Along with these gorgeous crochet mushrooms and a zillion other beautiful props. Just add sweet Scarlet and there you have a photographers dream :)

S x

Blame it on the critters.

2008-06-22T10:41:00.005+10:00

Angie and India came around under the guise of helping me sort through boxes stored in the shed. It was going quite well until the first glimpse of a large critter when we went fleeing and screaming out of there, half laughing half crying vowing never to return. (Mason happened to answer the phone to Kate just before this very event so she can vouch for the hysterical shreiks).

So, boxes abandoned. What else do bored girls do on a Saturday afternoon? Photoshoot of course.

Angie said she wanted to be Ivy for a day so we got out on the grass, twirled some skirt and stole some light. Can you believe Angie is actually India's MOTHER? Yummy Mummy doesn't remotely cover it.

Sunfrock on a Winters Day

2008-06-20T11:32:00.009+10:00

I do love the sounds of tyres on our gravel driveway before 8.00am - it always means the courier is about to hand me a box of Beauty Full and I can never be sure just where it's coming from. I'm lucky enough to receive all manner of wonderful things from far away friends I've never met - I just wish I had enough time in the day to share them all here. One such box recently arrived from dear Krysta who knows I can't resist a decent frock - it came complete with matching beanie and card with a picture of kneesox! Heaven in a box :)

Although it's what we call Winter here, I had to pop it on Ivy on the weekend just to get a dose of Summertime and a few photos. Thankyou Krysta for the gorgeous frock and thankyou Ivy for the gorgeous you.

The Ebb & Flow

2008-06-15T06:47:00.008+10:00

Yesterday, we attended a memorial service at the Mater for too many beautiful children, gone too soon. I had not intended to write specifically of it here but then something Angie wrote at Ava's memorial site last night and I wanted to share it. Her words are so beautiful and make me proud to call her sister. A beautiful way of marking this important day in my journal here. Angie, Aunty Angie, thankyou.

The Ebb and Flow..

My darling Ava. How you have changed my life.

How you have changed the lives of so many.

I can see so many positive things that have come out of the tragedy we have suffered in losing you and for the most part, I cling to those things like I’m holding on to the only tree in a flood of water rising. Sometimes that water rises so fast and I can do nothing to save myself from the emotion.

I don’t want you to be a little girl who is remembered in photographs on a memorial site.

I don’t want balloons to be let go.

I don’t want to light a candle for you in a far away continent in an ancient church, under the patron saint of children.

I don’t want to hear the sadness in my sisters voice on days when I know from just a tone, that her heart is breaking over and over.

I just want you to be here.

One day I watched you come out of nanny’s room in a long flowing dress. Your hair was loose about your face and it seemed to me like it was spun from gold. You had bare feet. You looked at me and in that instant I felt my heart fill with awe, with pride and with something else. A feeling I cant describe. As a mother of two children who I adore and cherish like they are gods greatest gifts – I looked at you in that moment and saw the most beautiful child I had ever seen.

When you were born, and your exhausted mummy and daddy could hold their eyes open for not a second longer, they trusted me to hold you in your first precious hours. We just peered into each others eyes. I am sure you were as in awe of me as I was of you. Everything was new for you. A face. A sound, a song. For weeks if not months after I saw you being born I looked at the world in wonder and awe, not unlike a newborn.

Today at the memorial ceremony, I looked on in disbelief that your photo was there with the other angels who had been lost at the Mater. The day you went isn’t something that needs to be spoken of right now, but I want you to know that as painful as losing you was I am honoured that you felt ok to make that journey with me beside you. I see just how sweet your precious soul is, that you would wait that moment that your mummy and daddy had to go to your brothers and sister – to protect their already broken hearts.

I remember your brothers swinging on the love swing at Nanny’s – with you in the middle between them. I sat perplexed, worried that they would swing too high.
I watch it like a movie in my mind.

There is nothing I can do but wait for the water to recede in these moments. I am drowning in my tears and the tears of your mother and father. I am drowning in the tears of all the parents who have lost the ability to hold their babies in their arms. When it does eventually go down, I will still be clinging to that tree, but perhaps I can take the hand of my sister, and of her loving husband who share that tree with me and we can hold each other instead. Maybe we can hold the hands of all the parents, aunties, uncles brothers and sisters, cousins grandparents and friends who also fear the inevitable rising tide of grief and together we can not feel so alone.

Thankyou to all the parents, families and friends who came to the Mater Hospital today to honour the memories of our babies taken all too soon.

Sheye I am so proud of you for the strength you showed today. I am proud of the strength you and Crayton show everyday of your lives.

- Aunty Angie

xx Sheye

Not Lost But Gone Before {Here No More, Here No More}

2008-06-13T10:50:00.009+10:00

Here No More

Not lost but gone before
Here no more, here no more
Each day the long light dims and fades
Not lost but gone before

Creation sings mountains bring
Age is born through memory and lore
Upon a saw tall timbers fall
Here no more, here no more

The light shines close echos low
Of your sweet voice I weep and mourn
Upon a saw tall timbers fall
Here no more, here no more

Not lost but gone before
Here no more, here no more
Each day the long light dims and fades
Not lost but gone before
Each day the long light dims and fades
Not lost but gone before

I find myself thinking today "wow, this week has been hard" . Then I remember last week was hard too. Oh, and the week before that. It's that day-to-day thing..not thinking too far forward or too far back so each day when I wake, I kind of forget that all the days since the third of february two thousand and seven have been just that. Varying Degrees of Hard. Right now, we're struggling through the how? How can Ava not be here? How can she not be playing with Ivy today? How can this be forever?

Crayton mentioned today that we needed to write something down for our children's children. For the first time, I realised that one day, they would be missing an Aunty. It made my eyes sting and I suddenly felt angry that I'd found a whole new reason to feel sad. How can she not be an Aunty one day? How did I miss that? How many more reasons will pop up and suprise me and make Ava's void a little bit bigger?

How can this be forever?

I went to the acupuncturist yesterday. It helps me remember. It's hard and it's sad and it's wonderful. One Saturday early last year, I woke with such dreadful ache and missing and certainty that I could not take another breath without my daughter beside me but more than anything, such fear that I would forget. In desperation, I rang an acupuncturist. I'd never been before. I cannot explain how or why acupuncture works but I do know that when I lay on that bed, my mind was so completely numb and all I needed was to remember through the haze. After not many minutes, it was if a slideshow began. A slideshow of Ava, one memory after the other. Her throwing me flowers, her swinging on her dresses in the cupboard, her wrapping her arms around my neck. Her chubby feet, the small of her back, her beautiful, beautiful, olive skin. It was such a relief, to find out that all my memories were still there tucked away for when I'd need them. I drove home that day with a lightness I had not had in weeks. I remember the dozens of butterflies out on that Sunny day. I felt hope.

Lately I am starting to feel scared that as Ivy gets older, her memories will replace Ava's so I went again. And once again, I found my memories of Ava still tucked safely away. They're all there. Her voice, her laugh, her everything. I can't explain how relieved that makes me but remembering also makes me take two steps back this week.

So today, I am not floating as high as some other days, today I'm a little closer to Ava and my thoughts continually wander back to her. And to everyone else who aches with the missing of those Gone Before. It's hard.

Poppy Love.

2008-06-11T10:26:00.005+10:00

I had a great afternoon with Fran and Poppy last Friday, trekking around Gold Coast hills and valleys in search for the perfect spot to shoot. Fran was very patient while I continually got lost in unknown terrain - luckily we were around her old stomping ground and she managed to point me in the right direction more than once. Even with a navigator lovingly (or not) called Dianne, I find myself lost once every ten minutes.

Poppy is almost exactly Ivy's age and it was funny to see her behave just like my own - 2 is, amongst other things, pretty damn cute. Thankyou lovely girls, for much fun and frivolity.

Here's a little more sunflare than the norm but Fran's as obsessed as I am.

**I'm currently looking for models for a commercial boudoir-esque shoot coming up. If you're a bright young thing interested in participating, please email me asap. Obviously, nothing but tasteful and beautiful is the objective.

Ripples {Or Not}.

2008-06-09T08:01:00.005+10:00

These days, we talk of ripples. I'm not sure I totally believe in psychics, as such..I've seen John Edward in person and came away umm. bored. I've had a few readings in my time, predictions that I would leave my younger, fair boyfriend for the older olive one (I did)...another woman mentioned when I was 20 that my third child was very faint and she could not say why...I guess we remember the insights that came to pass but they still doesn't convince me entirely.

Three months to the day after Ava left, we visited a woman quite some distance away who came recommended. We took someone elses appointment but did not tell her in advance, she had no idea to even expect us letalone who we were. We sat with her for three hours, telling her nothing. She spoke in depth about many facets of our lives with great accuracy, our jobs, our families, our future..I could not deny it, she was good. I waited anxiously for news of Ava, but it did not come. Over and over she said she could see three children but feel four. At the end of the reading she asked me if I wouldn't mind clarifying why she was getting that confusing message and I explained our circumstances. She was not suprised Ava had not come through, it was so early on and said just to give it time. Since then I've become a little more afraid of going to readings - I'm nervous about hearing the wrong thing from the wrong person. I think I'll just wait until the day Allison Du Bois can see me.

So, back to ripples. Before last February, for a long time, I would wake at night with the same thought..this awful little movie that would play through my head and wake me out of my sleep.. the simple vision of me walking out the back door of our house, along the walkway and around the corner only to find something terrible had happened to one of our children. My movie would screech to a halt right there..unable to process any further past the "what if" scenario that we parents all fear.

It drove me crazy, the broken sleep and the fretful paranoia. I forced myself to start pushing the thoughts out of my head when I'd wake and in time it stopped. I can't ignore the fact that that only a short while after all of this, I did in fact walk out the door and found Ava only a few meters from where my night movie took me. And I was every bit as frozen and panicked and hopeless as I had awfully imagined I would be.

Through this time, we also bought a new car. I had pested for it..my "dream car" so to speak..and Crayton was happy to go along with it, as long as it was not black. He had a "thing" about black cars, a "bad luck"thing, and we had many many discussions over it...seeing as I wanted no other colour. In the end, I won out and black it was. He was never that happy about it but agreed it looked good. While we know the colour of our car made little difference to the temperature inside that day, we can't help but wonder if Craytons paranoia was a "ripple" reaching back.. a hazy insight that one day, a black car would change our lives? It could be nothing more than silly superstition but we do wonder.

When you lose a child, you analyze everything. You look back over for signs and warnings in the hope that going forward, you could prevent it ever happening again. It's not possible, of course, but you try anyway.

Apologies for the slow blogging at the moment, I'm so busy with proofing - I'll share some images throughout the week..Promise.
S xx

2008-05-31T08:18:00.006+10:00

Today I feel:

totally and utterly derranged with sleep deprivation after Ivy spent the night bed hopping and wailing, for the second eve in a row. She might be very small but she has the power to turn the entire household crazy. Amazing.

Today I see:

stormclouds and bedhair - it's a really bleak day here in Brisbane. No photo action for me so I'm off to a swish city salon at lunchtime to redeem the bedhair.

Today I need:

SOOOO many things from PMA. (Well specifically an Eizo monitor and a slick Wacom tablet). It was exciting and inspiring and amazing - product overload, in fact. Kate and I sat at the dinner table last night sighing over all the glossy brochures and wondering where to begin. I met lots of familiar names - it was so much fun to recognise faces I've seen on the internet!! Conventions are exhausting but before we'd even left, I wanted to go back.

Today I want:

to laugh and laugh (or possibly cry??) because of my conversation earlier today with Mason that went like this:

Mason: "Mum, are you happy with how my face looks?"
Me: "Absolutely! Your face is perfect! Why?"
Mason: "Well I'd like to ask you for something."
Me, perplexed: "Okayyy".
Mason: "Yes, I'd like to get Pro-active".
Me: "Mason!! You don't need that!! It's for when you don't have beautiful skin like you do. It helps to make you look better then".
Mason, eyebrows raised. "Ohhhh. I seeeee! Like if you have moles and wrinkles and stuff?"
Me: "Mmm, kind of".
Mason, helpfully: "Well maybe you should get it then Mum?"

Oh, the power of advertising. And, oh, the unknowing cruelty of a seven year old.

Today I hope:

I can get on top of email one day soon..As always, I apologise to those I've neglected..thankyou for the all the beautiful, beautiful email that is sent my way.

S xx

A New Happy.

2008-05-28T12:55:00.008+10:00

{Image kindly taken by Angie after I fell on my butt mid-shoot on Saturday}.

Along the way, you might have heard me mention MSF, a small forum I've belonged to since 2005. What started out as a group of shopping obsessed women became an amazing place of friendship and refuge to share stories about our familes, our work, to ask medical advice (although eventually we had to make up a rule with that one that said, simply, "Do Not Google"!) Much of our conversation still revolved around shopping for beautiful kids clothes but much of it didn't too. I always thought that these women really were much more than just forum friends and I got to see that first hand in February last year. At Ava's funeral, some of my MSF friends travelled from all over Australia to be there...It was amazing to me then, it still is now.

The original MSF forum closed just after Ava's accident, for numerous reasons, and in the process I lost a lot of what was akin to many journal entries about life with Ava, in the "Old Universe". Just recently, the forum administrator was kind enough to re-open the forum and allow members to access their posts.. I have only just sat down to do this the past week, to start to read over those entries. I was so happy to see I had almost 500.

I couldn't help but go straight to my last entries prior to losing Ava..nothing stories really, silly, banal anecdotes.. But really, to read them now..they're so much more than that. I can't explain just how confronting it has been reading my own words, in that other universe, where I sound so light? so happy? so soft? I don't sound like me. I'm this completely different, untouched person who had no idea that her life as she knew it was ending.

When I first read those entries, I cried so much, realising all over again just how much I've lost. It's such a hard thing, to peek into the old World and see how completely perfect life was.. to see my name beside these posts and read the words I'm sure I did write but they just don't sound familiar. My new happiness is so different to the old happiness I knew. It's there, it's just so different.

This is part of a post I wrote in the days after losing Ava.

What I can tell you is that being here, in my worst nightmare, in every Mothers worst nightmare, is that God..or whoever it is...was clever when he made us. He knew to wrap us tight in a little bubble and to just make it all blank. I am there and I'm walking and talking and breathing and I don't know what the next moment holds or if I can ever get through this or why it was us. I do know that the very second, the VERY second I saw her I KNEW. I have been mourning her since Saturday and while I know you all prayed so hard and wanted so much for it to come out okay, I already knew. I am writing this today because I don't know if tomorrow will be the day where my World starts to crash down and then what? Do I ever take another photo? Do I ever smile again?

It's not easy to read my words from that week..we were so deep in shock and I remember the sheer terror we felt, not being able to process the reality or the finality of it all.

Today I am simply grateful that life has gone on, that we continue to adjust ever so slowly and that we still work hard at creating happiness in our new World..To carry on seemed so impossible back then..but we did, we surived that first year, with so much thanks to those who've supported us and continue to. There were so many days in those early months that brought us to our knees, literally, but it is incredible just how much we really can withstand..way beyond what is believed possible.

What I do know is that the truly difficult days of our lives change us more profoundly than anything else. When I meet people who appear less than happy, who are harsh or unkind, I have so much more respect for just what they may have endured along the way. I am so grateful that because I still have a wonderful husband and three beautiful children here to laugh with and because of so much love and support from so many people, I am finding my new happy.

How lucky am I?

S xx

Bright and shiny things.

2008-05-26T13:55:00.004+10:00

A good week lies ahead..

We're getting together our ideas for the renovation - I love thumbing through my big old folder of tatty magazine pages that I've sighed over for months now - I'm so excited to see it all starting to come together. We have some really special ideas for "Ava's Garden"..I can't wait to share them when we're finally finished. (Or am I deluding myself that there is actually ever a finish with renovating??)

Kate, Fran and I are heading off to PMA later in the week - should be interesting as I've never been before. Nothing like a whole exhibition hall filled with all things photo.. Bliss!

Jen arrives on the weekend for a flying visit..It's never long enough but I can't wait to just hang out for a night and catch up side by side.

And, honestly, I'm just loving every single day with Ivy at the moment..Not that I don't always love all the days with all my three but she's particularly gorgeous right now..saying lots of clever things and being very cute and bossy all at once.. I'm actually looking foward to her non-kindy days this week! Here she is in the garden the other afternoon..I love the flounce off in the last one.

S xx

Guca, Buca, and Luca. {Boy Of A Thousand Names}

2008-05-23T12:49:00.008+10:00

I'm not doing so well in the blogging stakes this week, am I? Life is just too, too busy. Still, I'm really enjoying having the office where I can get a lot done in a short time and be able to foucs on home stuff when I'm well, home. It's been a good change. I will post some photos of my little space as soon as it's looking all pretty.

Actually, Kate did come to help with decor type things the other night but we managed to set off the security alarm four times in the process. After having to flee down the 80 meter hallway with a horrendously loud screamer/screecher/howler device thingy going off and expecting the SAS to jump out any moment, we were a little too adrenalin filled to try hanging curtains.. We'll attempt it again soon, with the security pin number handy this time.

Thought I'd share some boy pics..Mr Luca collecting berries and last weekend while waiting to meet a friend for fishing..Turns out we were waiting on a pier about 3 suburbs from where his friend was. I never was good at directions, espescially when it comes to piers. That's manstuff.

xx S

For the Love of Twingy.

2008-05-19T14:08:00.009+10:00

Every day, we negotiate big and little things that pop up and make us miss all over again. Like every single time I see a girl Ava's age. And when I see my three children chasing one another, squealing. And like when I dare to peek into Ava's wardrobe...

Anyone who loves the clothing brand Oilily will nod with instant knowing when I say "Kimono Twingy". It was the skirt. You know, that long ago sold out one that you just have to have..irrespective of cost or absolute unavailability.. hence in 2006 I went on a one woman mission to scour the entire World for it. I seriously did ring places so far away that the shop assistants did not speak English (yet magically knew enough to understand Kimono Twingy). I was possessed and I would not rest until I had that carnivale of a skirt in my hands. I just knew it was meant for Ava. For twirling in at all the birthday parties she'd attend..For overdressed trips to the supermarket. For any given event that required a two year old dressing to impress, really. I gleefully imagined other Twingy loving mothers needing to know how on Earth I found one. Yes, it was ridiculous (and so much more-so now) but oh how I yearned to own that skirt.

Eventually, after a fierce Ebay bidding war and with racing heart and sweating palms, I did in fact win that Kimono Twingy. It didn't matter that I could have bought a small country for the cost of it or that it was way, way too big for her..one day it would fit and the endless search would have been worth it.

When I stand and look in Ava's cupboard now, I always pause at that skirt. My eyes sting and I catch my breath and I remember just what that one item of clothing represented for me..the falling in love with this silly skirt, the endless chase and the glorious victory. It just seemed to caputre everything I loved about finally having a girl..The color, the whimsy, the twirl. My absolute love of shopping for Ava..from before she was born. How could one piece of fabric hold so many emotions and expectations? I don't know, but it did.

While it will never be worn to the birthday parties I'd imagined, I did put it on her for our 2006 Xmas card photo..pinned to stop it falling to the floor. I could have shown the more perfect images, the Hallmark suitable ones..but I like these more.

xx

Well hello there.

2008-05-18T15:30:00.007+10:00

I've just popped in to say I'm still around, just busy trying to adapt to this strange new World that does not include dropping in here whenever I feel like it. Tomorrow I'm back in the office and promise to spend a little time sharing photos and emptying thoughts..I'm running out of room in my head!

Ivy's new frock and boots...which is the best I could do in rain with a toddler who's head seems to turn backwards everytime I get the camera out lately.

S x

Reasons To Be Thankful

2008-05-12T21:22:00.005+10:00

1. Because today I moved into my new office. I'm a little nervous about this new approach, not having my beloved Mac at my fingertips any hour of the day or night but it will be a wonderful thing to have uninterrupted work time and home time. I'm going to be a proper working woman by day and a domestic goddess by night. Imagine!

2. Because I managed to do some real excercise for the third time this week today. Anyone who knows me knows that's a mighty achievement. I hate sweating. My husband nicknamed me "the leisure model" many moons ago.

3. Because Sarah Jane's totally gorgeous illustrations arrived today. I bought these two for Ivy's room when it's renovated..It makes me think of what I know both my girls would do if they could play together.

and this one purely because it reminded me of this.

4. Because I had so many beautiful messages from beautiful people over Mothers Day and they really did make a difference. From the bottom of my heart, thankyou.

5. Because today I put Ivy's hair in pigtails she looked older and I loved that she reminded me a little of Ava and we ran around the garden and we laughed and played with the guinea pigs. She makes me feel lucky and she makes me feel grateful.

These are my little bits of Beauty Full for today.

Hollow {Another Day Less Ordinary}

2008-05-11T11:53:00.011+10:00

I've sat here for too many minutes today.. trying to think up something sweet and interesting and beautiful to write about my children. To explain why I love being their Mum. To share what makes them amazing. To tell stories about their lovely gifts and their excitement and their cuddles. To believe it is all okay. Except it isn't very okay at all.

It's Mothers Day and one of my babies is missing and my heart hurts and my eyes are puffy and I still have to smile and swoon and hug like nothing is wrong when everything is. I'm bitter and I'm jealous and I'm sad and I'm tired. I just miss her so much.

Mothers Day, 2006

Brad & Lauren

2008-05-07T19:34:00.008+10:00

On the weekend I attended the wedding of my cousin Brad and his beautiful bride, Lauren. It's always a strange thing to see younger relatives getting married..suddenly it appears we must all be adults now. When did that happen?

I took along my camera for happy snap guest type photos and tried hard to refrain from having the real photographer abducted so I could take over :p It wasn't easy!

Lauren was SO stunning, she reminded me of one of those Martha Stewart Brides type brides..She looked so incredibly happy all day and Brad was just totally smitten. So sweet to see :)

Congratulations Brad & Lauren, your bond is something beautiful.

S xx

Miss Macey.

2008-05-06T17:42:00.007+10:00

You've heard of Meester Macey, right? Well meet his female equal, Miss Macey. How do I know they're equal? Neither of them listen to me. Very quickly Miss Macey picked up that if she looked at me, I'd do that thing where I stick a big old lens in her face so she became very skilled at Looking The Other Way. And, just like my own, she gets away with it because she's so damn cute :)

Thanks for a fun afternoon guys :)

Apologies for the lacklustre header but I've tried to make things interesting with my most favourite-ist song in the World at the moment..you can even watch the video at the botton of the page! I'm relocating blogs soon so stay tuned for something real purty :)

And thankyou to all for the lovely comments about my last post..I really do appreciate the opportunity to share the hard days, more than you know.

Love Sheye xx

All Of Her Tomorrows.

2008-05-04T07:07:00.005+10:00

When we chose Ava's casket, I vaguely remember some of my thought process. They're so tiny. (But she's so tiny.) Is there just white? It should be pink, really. Silver or gold handles? Silver is better for a child. But gold would suit her skin. (Oh but she's not wearing them, it's just to go with white.) What will look prettier in the chapel? What would she like?

But more than anything..Are we really here, doing this?

I could not even begin to process what we were doing. Not us. Not for our daughter. Please don't let this be our life. Our child. It was so unbelievable. (It is still unbelievable.) I didn't realise on that day that her little tiny white casket with silver handles and a cross needed to hold so much more than our precious daughter.

It had to hold her first day at school. Her uniform. The bows for her plaits. Her books. The friends she'd meet. The lunches we'd make for her. Her graduation dress.

It had to hold all her toys along with all her future things of treasure ..her cd's, her jewellery, her perfume, her car and her house and all her trinkets.

It had to hold her friends. The sleepovers and the shopping trips. The coffees and the wines and the trips to the movies. The giggly phone calls. The games, the gossip, the disagreements.

It had to hold so many parties. Her birthdays, her engagement and her housewarming parties. Her friends parties. The outfits she'd carefully choose, the shoes to match. The gifts. The excitement.

It had to hold a husband. A whole wedding. A beautiful wedding dress...and the dresses of her bridesmaids. A honeymoon and a happily ever after.

It had to hold her children. Her clothes for a bigger belly, her parenting books, her babies nurseries. Her fears for their safety, her hope that she was doing a good enough job.

It had to hold every single one of her dreams. Her hopes for a bright future, her worries about the unknown, her anticipation of all the tomorrows. Her opinions, her beliefs, her faith. Her regrets and her achievements. Her amazing, wonderful, full, happy life that never became.

These are my quiet thoughts today. Pondering what is really contained within each of our small children. So much. So very, very much that we vaguely imagine at times and smile and look forward to.

It is a gift that now, when I hold my children dearly and breathe them in, I'm not just grateful for them, I'm so thankful for all of their tomorrows.

Love Sheye xx

Six quirks.

2008-04-30T11:48:00.006+10:00

Tagtime again, thankyou Ms Carrie. Now it's six things of quirkiness about me. Hmmm.

1. If I'm looking for a stapler I make the motion with my hand until I find it.

2. I always leave a smidge of my dinner, no matter how hungry I still am. Don't know why. (Note, does not apply to dinners where ice-cream is the main ingredient).

3. If I'm feeling shy I'll do my best to appear aloof. (Is that a quirk or just a brave admission?)

4. I cannot go to sleep with a mirror in my room, for many years when I had one I would turn it around before bed. (Wow, now I sound nutty. Or very unattractive.)

5. No matter how cold at night, I absolutely must have the fan on high speed..I just increase the blankets.

6. Being the all or nothing woman that I am, it fits that I would never, ever don a bathing suit in public yet I've been a model for a brazilian waxing course. Yes, multiple persons waxing at once. (Did I just admit that? I think I'm blushing.)

7. I love the words hush, magnolia, honey and luxe. I won't list the ones I loathe because I can't bear to type them. (Okay well phlegm is one. Shudder.)

Oops, did seven. It's alarming when I thought I'd struggle and then I can't stop.

Now I'm tagging -

Jenji.
Ms Jinky.
Queen Krysta.
Sarah Jane.
Kate
Susannah. Oh no wait. She don't do that.

Lastly, the essential image. I couldn't possibly do a post about quirkyness and not include Angie. Aint she purty?

If I Had The Chance I'd Ask The World To Dance.

2008-04-28T09:36:00.013+10:00

Here's Miss Delish shakin' what her Momma gave her.

Love,

**Edited to add, re your question about the new watermark Dani...(Funnily enough, my first version of this post had a lengthy explanation about your very question!)

In recent times, some of my images have been taken without approval and potentially used in ways I would never agree to. Of course, I have no problem whatsoever with people using photos from this blog to go with their own blog entries that honor Ava and her memory - in fact I am incredibly grateful that people so kindly take the time to do just that. My new watermark is more in response to problems I've had at Flickr than anything else but I do have to make it very clear that permission is required for use outside that purpose..

So, in answer to your q Dani and all who've taken images for blog use, please don't worry, I could never be upset that someone was sharing Ava's light :) S xx

Real {10000 words or less}.

2008-04-22T06:59:00.011+10:00

...."What is REAL?" asked the Rabbit one day, when they were lying side by side near the nursery fender, before Nana came to tidy the room. "Does it mean having things that buzz inside you and a stick-out handle?" "Real isn't how you are made," said the Skin Horse. "It's a thing that happens to you. When a child loves you for a long, long time, not just to play with, but REALLY loves you, then you become Real." "Does it hurt?" asked the Rabbit. "Sometimes," said the Skin Horse, for he was always truthful. "When you are Real you don't mind being hurt." "Does it happen all at once, like being wound up," he asked, "or bit by bit?" "It doesn't happen all at once," said the Skin Horse. "You become. It takes a long time. That's why it doesn't happen often to people who break easily, or have sharp edges, or who have to be carefully kept. Generally, by the time you are Real, most of your hair has been loved off, and your eyes drop out and you get loose in the joints and very shabby. But these things don't matter at all, because once you are Real you can't be ugly, except to people who don't understand." .....
- The Velveteen Rabbit

I thought I'd start today with this gorgeous book excerpt from The Velveteen Rabbit, sent to me by Jen.

It is the day after the night before, and the night before was hard. I glimpsed the wrong thing on television and it set the tone for the rest of the evening. It, grief, can take you unaware and with such severity it steals the breath out of you..Between the television and the kitchen, I paused to sob. It's not the first time I've felt I could fall through the floor with the weight of immeasurable missing but still..the intensity of it is so overwhelming in those moments. I do know though, the after holds a little more peace..as if the tears bring a calm with them and a little reprieve from such raw grief...if only for a while.

I will share something, a "quiet secret" as a friend calls them...I have found that it has become much harder to openly share my bleak moments, unless I happen to write on those really bad days. When we first lost Ava, there was no break from the bleak..it was constant and unrelenting so I never paused to consider just how intensely personal my writing was. Over a year later, it's become much more difficult to include the sorrow so openly - the shock has worn off and there are times I do wonder just how much is "appropriate" to share..

So, this is why I shared Jennifer's quote tonight..because ultimately, I am just trying to be honest and, well, real. I could leave out the hard days, skirt around the sorrow, imply that all is well and make my blog light reading but the honest truth, the bare facts, the real, is that some of the moments in my days are. just. awful. It is what it is.

I do sometimes fear sounding dramatic. But losing Ava is dramatic, isn't it? It would be so wrong to carry on with a facade that everything is okay..when it isn't..not now..not ever. Not the okay I used to know anyway...perhaps a new kind of okay, some of the time? I've said so often, the loss of a child is not just life changing, it is person changing. Losing Ava has made me who I am today. A completely different me to the one prior. In many good ways and some not so good. I cannot pretend otherwise and I promised way back when that I would continue to share the good, the bad, the indifferent - and I will - even when it gets hard. For Ava.

And for Ava, something else. As often as I can, in the footsteps of another grieving mother I know, I will share the Beauty Full bits in my day. I was told the first week after losing Ava that the biggest offset to paralyzing grief is appreciation - even just a little - for what remains. I do believe it to be true so, here are just a few of todays Little Bits of Beauty Full...

- Kate and I shopped the entire day away and indulged in the most luxe camera bags that look nothing like camera bags until you open them up.

- I had a beautiful email from a wonderful photographer, Elle Moss, who's work Hush speaks directly to my soul. Thankyou Elle and thankyou again Jen for sending me little bits of comfort.

- Luca and I did a last minute dash to the shops, at his request, for new shoes and as we left he looked at me and said "Mum, you're the best. And I mean that." This is rare for my eldest and it made my heart sing, even if I did buy the display of affection.

- Finally, Sussanah's monthly dose of fine music landed in my postbox. Happy happy joy joy.

Love

In Loving Memory.

2008-04-18T21:54:00.007+10:00

Today we saw Ava's headstone finally completed. It has taken me so long to do this - I found it a near impossible task and many, many days I would attempt to sit down and put it together and not be able to.

How do you choose the best photo? How do you find the perfect words to say everything we feel about her, to describe just how special she was? It was just so difficult. The very act of having to design a headstone..for Ava...?

(I. Still. Don't. Understand.)

I knew it would be confronting, to see it, but I didn't expect it to be as awful and as beautiful as it was. Many, many tears later, we left..pleased that we felt we'd paid tribute to our darling girl in a way we think she would approve of.

Thankyou, 1000 thankyous, to Mandy for creating the illustration we have included and now hangs in so many homes around the World. It was perfect for the words we wanted and when I look at it, I also reflect on the past year and how much comfort those illustrations have given me at times. More than anything, I hope what we've created shows Ava's beauty and her love of life.

It's hard to post this entry tonight but I thought it would be nice to share the image we used for those who can not visit Ava's garden. It is quite large and sits behind glass - it is truly beautiful to see in person. Please click to enlarge if you wish to read it.

With love

Ruby & Will

2008-04-17T13:40:00.006+10:00

Oh, fresh babies :)

After making their grand entrance a tad early, Will and Ruby turned what would have been 40 weeks yesterday! The cutest little things, Will was a little more energetic and found it amusing to hold on to Ruby's nose while she lay peacefully dreaming.

Be still, my beating heart.

Musings of a nine year old.

2008-04-14T08:12:00.000+10:00

Luca, aka Confucius, came to me recently and said that when you spend too much time on a computer one day you get old and you wish you'd done more nice things with your family instead. He always has been an expert at delivering a huge dose of mother-guilt in twenty words or less but this observation has, unsuprisingly, left an imprint on me.

One of the downsides of working from home over school holidays is that the kids just see that you spend too much time not doing what they want. If I walked out the door every morning, of course they'd miss me but I guess they'd just know I was at work and then my time at home would be all theirs.

Anyhow, these words from Luca made me immediately lean over, hit the off button and run out to the trampoline with them. For those who haven't tried it in 20 years, it's so, so much fun and a killer workout to boot. Not long after, we convinced all seventy five years of Grandad this was something he had to try too.

I love his determined stance here:

I couldn't get any of him actually jumping, I was laughing way too much.
Here's Mason trying to extract the poor exhausted man and Ivy being the concerned nurse.

What's a 4pm photo without flare? :p

Thanks so much to everyone for lots of lovely emails lately - I appreciate every single one and hope you know how much they brighten my day. I feel like I say this so much but if I don't reply right away please don't take it personally, I just don't have enough time in each day and I'm trying to take Luca's advice where-ever possible :)

Catherine & Jordan

2008-04-13T07:44:00.005+10:00

While we're in the mood for love, I thought I'd share a few images from a wedding I assisted at for Kate a couple of weeks ago. I don't normally do weddings but I couldn't resist the offer of a day hanging out together doing what we love most. Especially when there is a gorgeous bridal party involved! She was the most relaxed bride I've ever seen..as we approached the church she was happily belting out "Going To The Chapel" with her bridesmaids :)

Thankyou so much to everyone for the lovely anniversary wishes - we had a beautiful day - it felt very special to be celebrating ten. xx

Ten Reasons {Why I Love My Husband to Bits}

2008-04-09T01:01:00.011+10:00

1. Because he is inspiring without even trying. He's the most determined, focused person I know. Nothing stands in his way and if he's told he can't, then be absolutely certain he will.

2. Because he has taught me to laugh at myself. It's the British way. I knew I'd come a long way the day he grabbed my derriere and sang "Must Be Jelly 'Cause Jam Don't Shake Like That" and I didn't stab him.

3. Because he believes in me. Truly. And tells me nicely when I'm being crazy.

4. Because he's an amazing Dad to our four amazing children. He takes time, he encourages them, everything he does is for them.

5. Because we have walked a road no couple should have to, with broken hearts through the bleakest of days, and are still determined to forge on together. He has held me for countless hours and wiped away a thousand tears and heard me ask the same questions over and over and still whispered "I don't know" every time.

6. Because he loves romantic notions. One day, we're moving to Canada. The next it's to a chateau in the South of France. I've learnt not to say "We can't do that".

7. Because he spoils us. He once flew me to Sydney (932 klms or 580 miles away) to go shopping for the day. He asked me that night to marry him - he's a man who knows how to seal the deal :p

8. Because he affectionately calls me Sheisty. And when we'd been together almost three years he took me out to lunch to celebrate "Sheisty of A Thousand Days".

9. Because I know, without a doubt, he would do anything for me and our children.

10. Because today, we have been married ten whole years.

Happy Anniversary, Crayte. Lalou.

Tea At Kate's.

2008-04-08T11:32:00.005+10:00

Last week I went to Kates for "a cup of tea". In reality it meant 10 cups of tea, a peek at her new studio, lots of shop talk and, as I got ready to leave, the sudden decision to do a photo shoot. Ten minutes later I had her in blue ankle socks, messy plaits and situated up a tree. With the constant threat of her falling on me, she could hardly pose and I could barely shoot for laughing.

Such a gorgeous girl, it's hard to take a bad photo of her.

I did love the bright and shiny approach to these but of course I can't resist just doing a few a little more abstract.

Some days.

2008-04-05T22:43:00.003+10:00

Some days I miss having four children. I miss four small voices. I miss four cereal bowls. I miss four laughs and I miss four cries.

Some days I miss Ivy's sister. I miss matching two pink outfits. I miss so much for Ivy, possibly above all else.

Some days I miss Crayton's sassy daughter. I miss seeing them share his plate of food and I miss hearing him say "Awwww" when she walked in the room looking beautiful.

Some days I miss Grandad's princess. I miss being cross that she'd snuck more chocolate from his cupboard and I yearn to hear her sing to him while he positively beamed.

Some days, like today, I just miss my Ava. Giggling. Coy. Adored. Bossy. Beauty Full. It's harder to breathe with the wanting..Just to be able to go and lie on the front lawn and stare at the sky and make shapes with the clouds and laugh with her once more.

My darling girl, how I miss you so.

Sometimes It Snows In April.

2008-04-04T08:16:00.005+10:00

But not here.
More of Daddy and Ivy doing what they love most.

And Luca being very un-Luca like, looking angelic.

Another of my "how it really was" project contributions. Trying to think up a project name that encompasses telling it like it is. Any ideas?

Being brave.

2008-04-02T23:46:00.005+10:00

Susannah double dared me to take a photo of myself and post it on my blog. I pretended I didn't get the email. I then saw Jennifer take her up on the offer and found out Carrie has been dared as well. I'm feeling the pressure mount and then, after Susannah sends another not so subtle email, I decided to just do it.

So here I am, with just teeny bit of Photoshop filtering, texturising and tinting going on. (Hey, I saw no terms and conditions). I often think to myself it's funny how photos can seem to tell a certain story or convey a particular mood when the reality can be very different..hence I typed out what was really going on when I took this image today. (You might have to click to enlarge and read it). I've been wanting to do a personal project like this for a while so I'll consider it started.
(Edited to confess, yes I did swap the colour for b&w and now my texture makes it appear I have stubble. Or maybe I do? :p I'm putting the dare out now... Kate from Inhouse, come on down..)
S xx

Ten Things {About Me}

2008-03-31T13:52:00.005+10:00

1. I spent some of my childhood and teenage years in Papua New Guinea. My parents managed hotels and for a couple of years we went to school in Port Moresby. We thought nothing of going shopping with security guards and barely noticed the 10ft fences topped with barbed wire around our house. We weren't even that concerned the night our chef got drunk and chased my father with a huge kitchen knife.

What I do remember is having lots of possum type creatures (cus cus) as pets, speaking in Pigeon English and meeting some of the most beautiful, real people. My experiences there made me despise racism from a very young age..I just didn't, and still don't, understand how people can judge an entire race when there is so much beauty to be found in individuals the World over.

2. I suffer from simple partial epileptic seizures. I would have put that in past tense except I had another today, after years of thinking they were no more. They are something like de ja vu except so intense it stops me in my tracks and takes over my entire thought process for a minute or two at most. They also make me cry. The doctor told me I'm still normal. He doesn't know me very well.

3. I have a secret and rather complex handshake with one of my children. We've had it for around three years. No other member of my family is aware of it.

4. I have numerous nicknames. To my Dad I'm "Wik". To Crayton and Jennifer I'm "Sheisty". To Sherrie I'm "Schlemmy". I also answer to variations of Sheye such as Cher (Crayton's relatives) and Shy (Ian Ziering from 90210 after we met, as you do in downtown LA.)

5. I'm vegetarian and haven't eaten red meat for seven years. I have started eating chicken very occasionally recently. Don't mistake me for a lentil and chick pea kinda girl though, I live on Lean Cuisine and Baskin Robbins. (They cancel each other out).

6. I have issues with the over purchasing of pyjamas, ribbon, lip gloss, Havianas, magazines and Ikea photo frames. Supply well exceeds demand in all these categories yet I can't help myself..I have an insatiable desire for pretty stuff.

7. I once refused a marriage proposal. Thankfully.

8. I have a completely irrational fear of cockroaches. I'm not sure why..could it be because, as a child, my mother referred to them as "man-eaters"? I would rather cuddle a snake than have one of those beastly critters crawl or, God forbid, fly near me.

9. I was, many many many years ago, arrested for stealing a dirty $2 ashtray from a bar. Firstly, I have never smoked. Secondly, I did not put the ash tray in the bag. Thirdly, it was not even my bag I was holding when arrested. Scouts honor, this is fact. And no, my chain smoking thief of a flatmate did not come forward with a confession. Incredibly, it went to court before a judge dismissed it. I still feel dodgy when I recount that tale.

10. I wish I could:

Sing. (My sister got that gene.)
Paint. (Or draw.)
Scrap. (Too much, too fiddly, too pretty - I got overwhelmed when I tried.)
Enjoy excercise. (Blahhhhh)
Think clearly. (It's become apparent I have lost my mind.)
Be more organised. (Jennifer/Carrie/Kate please stop laughing.)
Reply to every email I receive. (There are not enough hours in a day).

And just because my post feels naked without a picture:

Little Miss Showoff.

Easter Schmeaster.

2008-03-23T12:19:00.011+10:00

Please tell me it's not THAT day of the year again. Not that day after the previous night where my children have, like wild bush animals in the night, scurried about my house at the most unGodly hours, whispering and fossicking and giggling until the sun finally rose. Could we possibly be the same parents that were giggling ourselves at midnight as we lovingly assembled chocolate baskets and tiptoed around making egg trails? Because we surely don't resemble them, with our matching bed hair, sleepy eyes and nasty scowls, today.

Regular readers will recall my Nightmare Before Christmas - Easter is simply more of the same. I'm certain not even an elephant gun would stop my two from this horrid tradition. I promise, I am canceling all things festive next year. I said this with absolute dead pan seriousness at 4am and Crayton actually laughed, thinking I was joking.

So anyway, here are a few cupcakes I whipped up with 20 mins to spare the other day. **Should anyone hear rumors that, in fact, Kate Austin was responsible for these little masterpieces, that it was in fact Kate who baked and decorated so incredibly, that it was Kate that arranged them on a beautiful stand, or that it was Kate that drove for 40 minutes to get them to me...they are nothing more than just that - malicious rumors.

Here's what happens when the toddler has to wait for her cupcake to be photographed.
Why are people so cruel? (Said with my best Billy and Mandy impersonation.)

Angelica.

2008-03-21T13:29:00.008+10:00

Last weekend I went out with my sister to find some new spots to shoot..I told her to "put something on" in case I wanted to run a few test shots. Three hours and a zillion photos later, we'd had an amazing photo shoot, finding the best unexpected locations and beautiful afternoon light.

More than anything though, we had so much fun..Angie is the craziest woman I know and up for anything! It's quite clear she got twice as much self confidence as the rest of us mere mortals which makes her a dream to shoot.

Thanks honey for the laughs. (and for crawling into that spooky gully). What a blast we had.

x

ps: Feelin' Sentimental by The Waifs courtesy of Barb's Good Taste In Music.

A Better Place, A Lesser Place.

2008-03-20T18:21:00.004+10:00

In Loving Memory of Isabelle Broadhead

Many years ago, Jennifer began a game. A silly something where you make up a story that is your Xanadu. Except Jen's was "Jenadu". Didn't sound quite as amazing with "Sheyeadu" but still works very well for Soozadoo. We shared tales of living in penthouse apartments in exotic locations, being waited on by maids and driven to Saks by the butler to restock our designer closets. We'd dream up incredible social lives where our feet never hurt in our Jimmy Choos and cocktails were calorie free. I loved playing this game - even when I moved to the Gold Coast we'd still sometimes write down the latest version and post it to one another.

I remembered this game just the other day and realised that if I were to sit and write my Sheyeadu now it would contain nothing more than one line. It's no suprise that my utopia, my every wish granted would just be:

To have Ava.

It's something you can't possibly realise fully until it's gone..that every person out there who has all of their children does in fact exist in their very own Xanadu. We didn't know that our happiness was so completely and utterly tied up in the simple fact that all of our children were here and healthy. That the ability to feel true, untainted joy would also be lost the day Ava left. I can't ever go back and live in that perfect World, I can't ever again experience happiness not tinged with sadness. I didn't know it when I had it and I can't have it now I know what it is.

All I can do is keep sharing what I have learnt..to remind every person out there who does have all their children to just be so, so thankful, to let go of the small stuff and to trust me when I say you have absolutely everything you need.

While these are my thoughts today, I also write them for Danielle Broadhead. Some of you will know of my friendship with Danielle. A year ago, I caught an interview on television with the parents of Isabelle Broadhead, who'd tragically died at 3 years, 9 months. It was the first time I'd seen another family mourning their beautiful daughter, just as we were. The first time I'd seen another precious child lost too soon in such a preventable way. On Easter Thursday, 2006, Isabelle was sitting in a booster seat with an adult belt, as per child safety legislation at that time, when Danielle was involved in a low speed accident. Her booster seat and adult belt was, in fact, the reason Isabelle lost her life that day.

Shockingly, Isabelle is one of many children Worldwide to have died this way. With such selflessness and determination, Danielle and Noel have pushed and fought for legislation to be changed in Australia to prevent this ever happening to another familly. Three weeks ago, they got their wish. Please, please, please go to Isabelle's site, light a candle and learn what every parent should know.

Today is a very difficult day for the Broadhead family. There is nothing that can return their adored daughter to them, to give them back their Utopia, but they have worked hard to make Isabelle's short life mean something great and I believe with all of my heart that Isabelle would be so very proud, just as we all are.

I don't understand why terrible things happen to good people. I can't make it better for Isabelle's parents but I am so thankful that I caught that interview, that I then "met" Danielle and together we have shared such a intimate friendship through a very painful journey.

With love and endless thanks to the Broadhead family for making our World safer.

xx

The Eldest Gets Older.

2008-03-17T22:43:00.007+10:00

Luca be nine today. NINE! How on Earth???

We spoilt him rotten and made no apologies. It felt like spoiling all of us :) Presents galore, laughter and song. Too much sugar and even more presents. A really wonderful day.

(**Note to self..anticipation often worse than event.)

Here's the boy himself laying eyes on the electric scooter. I think it was a winner.

I could hardly tell Mason to act his age here when I look across the table and see Grandad opposite him. What hope have I got?

I love that at nine, DC shoes totally rock but so does a shiny new red wagon :)

(Let me admit, I'm not fan of wagon photos. Nor am I a fan of photographing Ivy with a face covered in red drink and Chicco Baby residue.) But I couldn't help catching her being hauled around by Luca...He's been pesting for it for about three years and I've just assumed he'd get over it. Now we have the wagon and he's started pesting to put the guinea pigs in it. Sigh.

So to my beautiful, amazing first born..
Thankyou for being the gorgeous boy that you are..
For being compassionate, kind, for thinking outside the square.
For carrying more than you should, at nine years of age,
and still making me believe everything will be okay.
You make my heart sing.
You make me proud.
Every. Single. Day.

Happiest Birthday To Yoooo.

Mumma xx

Happy Heart {Today I have a..}

2008-03-17T17:47:00.006+10:00

Carrie started it! And now I have my very own set of Gemmie Lou custom dolls heading my way! It was so much fun to work with Gemmie and she was so patient while I changed a million details to get everyone just right.

The dress I'm wearing is special to me.. One day, now many moons ago, I was having a major wardrobe crisis (you know the ones) and this dress was about the 19th I'd attempted..As I tried not to implode with frustration, Ava appeared in the doorway and said "Oh Mummy you look beautiful in that dress". I have always been adamant that I will not criticise myself in front of my children but it took every bit of effort that day just to smile and say thankyou! I'm so glad I did, it made us both feel good. I also wore it the day we viewed her so it's extra special, being the last time I saw her, but I really like to remember it the day she told me she loved it.

Thankyou Gemmie, it is something wonderful for me to see our whole family as one like this.

Saturday With Ivy.

2008-03-15T20:27:00.010+10:00

Early this morning, while the boys made mud cakes outside, Ivy frolicked in the sun.
A little later we hung out on my bed and she tried out her new beanie. It was a hit.

Don't believe for a moment that she was still...I simply put my camera onto the "toddler" setting, she was just caught mid flight.

I love the pose here. Espescially the toddler tummy.

And as a clear example of life with Miss Two and Charming herself, I've included these..taken three minutes apart.

xx

Time can bring you down.

2008-03-13T15:47:00.009+10:00

"Time is a companion that goes with us on a journey. It reminds us to cherish each moment, because it will never come again. What we leave behind is not as important as how we have lived."

- Patrick Stewart

Time has been a healer, of sorts, in that it has slowly allowed us to adjust to a new normal. It has helped fade the past and blurred the shock between then and now. It happens whether we want it to or not and when I think back to those early days last year, where I begged someone, anyone, to tell me I would breathe again...I guess time has been a bittersweet gift.

There is a price to pay for adjusting even a little bit though. I find there are days I am afraid to think of my darling Ava. She slips into my thoughts and with terrible guilt, I quickly push her aside, so scared of pondering too long and having to realise all over again just what we've lost. I don't mean that I ever forget her, that is simply not possible. I have just found a way to keep her tucked safely in my heart and carry her with me without the engulfing pain that was my constant companion for many many months.

Of course there are still hours where grief finds me and I have no choice but to remember, I mean really remember, and ache and miss and yearn. Where it truly feels like time has not passed and that my heart has not healed one bit. In all honesty, those moments scare me.

When I look at her photos now, I feel my heart race and I stare into her face and wonder if she really was here. I can't imagine she was once beside me and I can't imagine she is gone. If she walked back into the room, would there be an instant knowing, a bond unchanged? Would she run to me?

It feels so long since she's been here.

Time keeps bringing new moments of importance. In a few days it is Luca's birthday. I hate that nothing is as it was, that every reason for celebration is also a reason to mourn. I want Luca to share his day with both his sisters, just as he did two years ago.

I was so proud of her that day. Her dress, the Oilily Smick, was one of her favourites and kept for "good". Carrie & Lisa sent hair bows and clips to match and she had so much fun at his party. I can't help but approach the 17th with a heavy heart, remembering that day and as always, wish wish wishing.

Studio Envy.

2008-03-06T01:26:00.005+10:00

I know, I've been so totally slack blogging the past week or so...I'm just, to use my Mum's expression, a very busy yady right now and have not had a moment to take photos, letalone post them. So, I'm beyond thrilled that I have something else to show you!

Over the weekend, Ivy had a play date with Cassidy (known as Cassie Deeeee if you're 2), daughter of my beautiful friend and amazing photographer, Kate from Inhouse Studios.. (Well Kate and Cassidy think it was a playdate, I just sent Ivy around hoping Kate would pick up the camera.)

I don't care how much fun she had on the day, I just care that Kate did in fact take THE most amazing pictures and now I can't stop thinking about where I'm going to put these poster size prints!! It was SUCH a treat to see Ivy photographed by someone other than me - I really got to experience what my clients do - with the biggest set of Mummy Goggles on I just gasped and swooned and sighed all over these. I am in awe of the studio images, it just makes me want to give up natural light and do something just like these! I am in LOVE!

Thankyou thankyou thankyou Kate..you have absolutely made my week and given me hard cold proof that there is no reason why Ivy can't move into your house. (And reminded me why I never hesitate to refer my clients to you when I can't shoot!!!)

This first image totally takes my breath away, it reminds me of something you'd see if there was such a thing as Toddler Vogue.

Kate says she's practicing thumbing a ride for when she's 16. Help.

Backward Thinking.

2008-02-29T12:11:00.008+10:00

Some days are forward thinking..imagining the future and making plans. Pondering an anticipated event or picturing how tomorrow looks.

Today is not one of those days. Today is a backward thinking day. For whatever reason, much of this day I've spent remembering the boys many moons ago. Thinking of a time when they were barely past toddler and able to outsmart and overwhelm me on an hourly basis. They could reduced me to tears with their devilish antics..in fact for a while I referred to Luca as Lucifer. Apart, they were adorable but together in the same room, a recipe for disaster.

Once I had a man visit to inspect our newish lounge that was becoming faulty. As I stood in the doorway saying goodbye, I commented that I had no idea why the frame should be falling apart seeing as I never let my children jump on it. As I finished speaking, the bemused salesman leaned to one side to look over my shoudler, prompting me to turn around where I saw both of them doing just that, leaping with much gusto and delight from one lounge to the other.

Another memorable day after they turned against me, I put both of them in time out. In the same room. Yes, I know. I was still in training myself, remember. When I arrived to escort them out, they'd exacted their revenge by removing Mason's freshly used diaper and decorating the entire room with the contents. Probably rates as No 1 disaster, even before the 12 broken eggs over the carpet and the pen stuck in the floor fan in my room, spraying black ink all over my brand new white Country Road quilt. (It's still there).

Not a whole lot has changed except that I've got a degree in parenting Team Luca and Mason. I'm proud to say I've never muttered "wait till your father gets home" and I've actually figured out that bribes and threats work way better than pleading.

Those early years of parenting two spirited boys were trying at best. Even still, today I miss the hi-jinx of their younger years and their smaller arms wrapped around my smaller waist.

Then and Now.

2008-02-25T02:10:00.016+10:00

2003:

and 2008:Couldn't help remembering earlier versions of playing under the hose type photos... Different time, place and life..still, happy memories. And not just about Luca, for me too..Who doesn't love thinking back to childhoods spent running around the sprinkler in undies, or racing down the Slip and Slide? Forget your lap pool, we had it GOOD!
* New song Miss Halfway by Anya Marina.
(I always have song info at the bottom of my page, for all those people who email wondering !!)
Another great track, thanks to Susannah. This could so be my anthem! But then, I'm quite sure I'm not alone there :) x

In her natural state.

2008-02-23T07:01:00.006+10:00

See she's not always tizzied up ready to impress. Sometimes she's just hanging out in the garden, looking for trouble.

Re: Flickr requests! I really do want you to ask to be added, just know that I might not get to it right away, I have literally hundreds of requests. I feel awful that so many of you write beautiful little emails to go with your request and then I can't possibly get to reply to everyone..I'm so sorry!!! If you have an existing profile at Flickr I'm very happy to just add you, no need to convince me! If you don't have a profile, please just drop me a quick line to tell me you're normal(ish). :p

A Cake Bakin'

2008-02-21T08:20:00.005+10:00

I still stick by my admission that I am NOT a finger-painting, cookie-baking Mother. It's only at Luca's insistence after finding packet mix in the cupboard that this little event even took place. They obviously had a ball. I just had a reminder why ordering from the Hyatt Bakery makes so much sense.

(And yes, that is my hideous pre-renovated kitchen. Just be thankful I've spared you from the coloured version in varnished orange pine. See why I don't cook?)

Just wanted to say also, I've changed my profile at Flickr to Family and Friends for kids photos..If you want to be added as a contact, just let me know. I am working through a very long list so please don't think I've forgotten you! I'll get there xx
* Edited to say, if you want to be added, could you please send it to me through Flickrmail just to make it a bit faster and easier for this weary old woman. mwah x

Ten Things {That Make Me Smile}

2008-02-19T11:43:00.017+10:00

A Few Of My Favourite Things...

1. Sarah Jane's amazing illustrations...
So vintage, so pretty, so everything I love. (Plus she's so lovely herself!)
2. This beautiful stationery by Saratams.
Can't beat a pretty silhoutte.
Or her sweet prints.. 3. Chookleaf.
These childrens shoes are the best EVER! Carrie sent me the link a long while back and I finally found them in a store last week..They are just so beautiful and soft and seem to fit the feet of Ivish perfectly. Cheap, they're not. (but since when did that matter?) I also love that they explain in their little info leaflet that chookleaves are another name for feathers. How cute! (Ivy's are red). *image from chookleaf.com.au

4. This amazing and gorgeous and sublime and ridiculously expensive dress from Trelise Cooper Kids. It's just so very Alice In Wonderland, no? Can someone please stop me from purchasing this? She doesn't need it. Unfortunately, it seems I do. 5. Mark Ryden.
In keeping with my love of all things Alice, this artist I adore. He definitely borders the odd but how can you not love his beautifully detailed work? Not for the faint hearted.
6. And if we're going to be talking art, here's my No 1 fave.. Abbey McCulloch. She's from my town, the Gold Coast but is gaining popularity all over Australia and overseas nowdays. Childlike, girlish, vulnerable..no matter how many times I try to find a new favourite artist, I come back to Abbey. We have two of her glorious works on our walls. If ever a fire, I need to be able to run with one under each arm. I'm Not Scared I liked the contrast of her very strong, almost intimidating appearance with her nervous pose...Abbey told me she wanted to convey how no matter how confident we try to appear, everyone is anxious walking into a crowded room.. and Hush... This sweet girl greets me every morning when I open my eyes. I love love love how fragile she appears and the word hush is one of my favourite. You cannot say it nor hear it without feeling just a little calmer. I know art is such a personal thing and what makes my heart flutter might not rate in someone elses World but both these paintings mean a lot to me.

7. Inke Wallpaper Tree.

Well really, all of their wallpaper flora and fauna. But especially the tree. And of course, it has to go with the birdhouse lamp. When I first started gathering ideas for our renovation, this was the very first thing I tore out and put in my scrapbook. If nothing else, this has to go in Ivy's room.

8. A great day spa.

I've included this because I spent a decent amount of time at one today. And every single time I go, which is nowhere near as often as I used to, I vow to go more often. I truly do think that it should be mandatory...that women be allowed to attend dayspa at least once a week. In fact, the government should give out vouchers... It's a community health issue - imagine how much saner us mothers would be? I floated home today and in a moment of post spa madness, announced to the boys that I'd be giving them a mini spa experience this evening! So while I type they're getting the bath ready and preparing for their facials and foot massages! Here's hoping a little bit of calm imparts to them! (Oh no, wait, they're yelling that they can't find the plug..looks like my 10 favourite things will be stopping at 8 for now!!!!)

xx

(Edited to add 9 & 10!)
9. Mid Century Architecture & Furniture

I studied this at college for a while, I just love all things from the 1950's - particularly those amazing homes you see in old films set in California.. Huge glass windows overlooking the city skyline..flat roofs..white stone..You know the ones? I secretly yearn to greet my husband at the door wearing a pressed frock, heels and a martini in hand. This is my only piece of furniture that fits the era, I plan to incorporate more when we renovate..

10. And, predictably, Ivish. I would have had a photo of the three monsters except I couldn't resist showing off Miss Madam at breakfast today.

The Gift of Ivy.

2008-02-16T12:36:00.007+10:00

You've seen me write it 1000 times but it barely scratches the surface. She is, truly, a God Send. I love her so much it scares me silly.

I can't imagine not having her. Just like I couldn't imagine not having any of my children. It doesn't matter that I've seen the other side of "what if".. It makes no difference that, contrary to what I'd always thought I was certain of, I actually did go on and live after the unbearble and the unthinkable took place. That the sun kept rising, I kept waking, my lungs kept drawing breath - even when I wished with all my heart they would not. Even with this knowing, I still believe today, if anything happened to one of my other children...that I could not cope, I could not survive. Isn't that odd? I guess it's just how it is when something means so very much to you.

It's so hard to imagine the void where Ava should be as any bigger or harder to face each day but when I think about not having Ivy making me laugh and to demand to put on a pretty dress and to put her little arms around my neck while she whispers "la lou" in my ear... well I just can't imagine. Initially after February, I hoped so much Ivy would look like Ava - that I would keep seeing Ava's face in hers, that her mannerisms would grow into Ava's.. I so needed to have glimpses of what I was missing so desperately.

One year on and it feels so good to have begun slowly but surely celebrating the things that make Ivy her very own little person. She is different to her sister in a lot of ways, she is growing into another beautiful little girl who has so many amazing characteristics, a great sense of humor and a reeeeeeally loud voice. Sometimes she shows me a little glimpse of Ava and it is a true gift but I'm just as happy to see all the glimpses of Ivy...

So, if you can't tell, I'm all sentimental today.. There's been a whole lot of melancholy and too many tears this morning but there is always an upside to the lows..No matter how hard the moment, I've learnt a better one always awaits...and that I am still so, so lucky.

I plan to spend the afternoon doing nothing more than hanging out with my boys - even if it means watching the World Wrestling!! Thankyou so much, as always, for all the beautiful emails this week, there have been more than a few and I am behind in responding, I'm sorry :)

How Did You Know...

2008-02-15T13:08:00.003+10:00

My sweet MSF friends?

Today, of all days. Today when I feel so run down and unhealthy and tired. After yesterday when I had Twisties for dinner. Really. (Trust me, this was a first.) I really really needed this today. It's been a tough one.

I know we all have them, us overtired Mummies...One of those mornings where there seems to be a constant monologue playing in one's head. Breathe deep, keep sane, one foot after the other. Smile nicely, make the sandwiches, kiss the bruises better. But all the while dreaming of solitude. A moment to be able to keep one thought straight without the interruption of mumwhere'smyshoes and ican'tfindmylibrarybook and mummmmivybrokemybestpencil.. But of course the moment the house empties, the mess leaps out and I was almost wishing they'd run back in the door to distract from the devastation.

I possibly would have fared better this morning if not for the Trans Fatty Acid dinner-in-a-packet last night. I was well and truly nagging myself over this when a very large box arrived at my door...

and LOOK! Just like that!! Could I have gotten anything more perfect today???? I ran up the stairs lugging the box yelling to Crayte "Honey, we have the most amazing present!!!" (He LOVES fruit!!)

We're so delighted at this incredibly thoughtful gift, I'm so amazed that a box of fruit could look SO beautiful!!! The photos do not do it justice - every single piece of fruit is perfect -it smells like fruit and it, shock horror, even tastes just like fruit!!! Of course I also love the little naughty corner of chocolate - what a perfect balance.

I don't think I could rave any more without sounding a little nutso but I'm really very very touched and grateful...now I've had a giant dose of much needed vitamins, I'm ready to greet the monsters with open arms :) What a difference a perfect apple can make!

(I had to get the photos in quick whilst smacking Crayte's hand away!!! Stunning fruit box from Fruit Only - I can't recommend them enough if you're looking for the perfect gift..just beautiful!!!!)

Inspired.

2008-02-14T18:49:00.004+10:00

You shall ask

What good are the dead leaves
And I will tell you
They nourish the sore earth.
You shall ask
What reason is there for winter
And I will tell you
To bring about new leaves.
You shall ask
Why are the leaves so green
And I will tell you
Because they are rich with life.
You shall ask

Why must summer end
And I will tell you
So that the leaves can die.

- Nancy Wood

A photo taken yesterday morning..All my sunny bikini photos of late are a bit of smoke and mirrors - in reality we've had nothing but rain for weeks and weeks... So yesterday when I woke to the bluest of skies it was a real treat, the green leaves just shone and waved merrily and I had to pull the camera out... Initially, when I uploaded the images today, I was a bit annoyed to see that dying leaf there..I wanted it all to be perfectly green and matching. Before too long I remembered something I'd read only yesterday afternoon in the heartbreaking book by William Verity, Bear Is Now Asleep. He tells the story of life after losing his three year old daughter, India, in an accident.

The opening page reads..

On that stormy night
a top branch broke off
on the biggest tree in my garden.

It's still up there. Though its leaves
are withered black among the green
the living branches
won't let it fall.

Norman McCaig

It was the strangest thing, to realise my photo unexpectedly reflected these very words and to see such beauty in that yellowed leaf all of a sudden. A little thing really but I've pondered it today... tonight I found this poem by Nancy Wood and just had to share the two. Thankyou to Danielle and Noel for your thoughtful gift, while to most it would just be a book, it's given me even more than we both expected, thankyou.

Well I'm a little slow in the post department this week..you can blame it on Flickr. I've had a small photostream there for over a year but just decided to start updating so it's been taking up time where I'd normally be blogging! It's a little bit addictive, good old Flickr...(And can also be daunting with all that amazing talent floating around!)..

I'll be back with more photos soon.
S xxx

Splish. Splash.

2008-02-10T21:14:00.000+10:00

A few snaps as Ivy flounced around the pool in her new bikini this afternoon. And not just any bikini, a Janie and Jack - sent all the way from the US of A by the gorgeous Krysta. Can you say spoilt?

(And if you can't, then we'll make do with utterly scrumptious...Can you tell I still haven't shaken off that severe bout of Ivish?)

Souls Intertwined.

2008-02-09T11:17:00.000+10:00

This amazing gift arrived yesterday. From an amazing person I have never met. I have taken a few of the beautiful words on her card to share and show just why her package left me speechless..(Apart from the "Oh Gosh" that kept falling from my mouth... So much so that every time Ivy sees the bracelet now, she says "Oh Gosh" too!) Since putting it on, every time I look down at my hand, I imagine Ava holding it.
Sweet, sweet K. Thankyou.

Raining Joy.

2008-02-07T09:39:00.000+10:00

Yesterday it began teaming with rain..As always, Mason began pleading to be allowed run around outside.. This has been a non stop activity over the last week and being so tired of all the washing this habit brings about, I said "Mason! Why do we have to do this every time?" and he replied "Because Mum it's raining joy". Oh, truly, I almost pushed him out the front door! I don't know how he does it but he manages to find the perfect answer every time and I'm putty in his hands :)

A short while later I roamed out myself and was astounded to see the sky had turned pink. Really, really pink. And then, just to make it perfectly perfect, along came a rainbow. It wasn't until I uploaded I realised it was a double one :) The pink hue you see under the rainbow stretched it's way across the whole sky until it turned dark. Just beautiful.

You're probably so tired of me saying thankyou every single post but how can I not? I'm so overwhelmed, still, at the kindness that finds me every day... Thankyou thankyou thankyou. And that won't stop me saying thankyou tomorrow either :)

Officially Overwhelmed

2008-02-05T22:08:00.000+10:00

Words..so many, soooooo many beautiful, heartfelt words.
And poems. Gosh, the poems I've had the honor of reading.
A dream shared that wrapped around me for the entire day.
A fleeting photo of a pink flower that has never been before. How?
A wee handmade fairy sleeping...she stole my breath.
A box of tiny paintings, with carousels and all things princess. Which made me cry.
A sparkly butterfly making it's way here tonight.
Balloons of hearts and glitter and pink.
Candles glowed and gardenias bloomed.
Tributes and photos and reflections I have saved to show my childrens children. I cannot wait.
Cake. And scones. Freshly baked bread. And dinner for the kids. All magically appearing at my door.
The phone rang and messages beeped and the mail delivered and the email filled..

It's not the first day I've been carried with kindness but probably the first I've really been able to thoroughly absorb it. Today I've stood back and simply marveled at the generosity and the absolute kindness that abounds.

Truly, I am touched beyond words. You, amazing beautiful generous people, have given me something I could only wish for with numbed shock back in February, one year ago.

That Ava would not be forgotten. I am eternally thankful.

S xxxx

2008-02-03T08:33:00.001+10:00

Holding On.

2008-02-03T07:45:00.001+10:00

Thankyou so much. So many beautiful words...they really do make me feel supported right now.

For some time now, I have consciously tried to live day to day. I have tried not to think about how hard tomorrow might be, or Ava's next birthday or her graduation day. I've realised that sometimes the anticipation really is worse than the reality of an event so I've become skilled at living in the here and now.

While this is helpful in getting though each day, it also means I am sometimes a little suprised at just how hard certain moments in time can be. Some days can sneak up and steal the breath out of me. They can make my heart race and cloud my every thought. I am suprised that this day, the 3rd of February, feels so very impossible. Today holds the overwhelming desire to step back in time. I have never felt it like I do today. I have often heard people say "If only you could turn back the clock" and you know, I've never really considered that idea too long or hard. It's not possible so there's no point.

Yet today, I wish with all of my might that I could do that very thing. It feel like there is a huge clock ticking in my house, in my car, in my mind..reminding me of every moment leading up to 1pm on that day, 1 year ago. I don't want to think about it, I'm not trying to, but the ticking won't go away. So for the next 48 hours I will just hold on, and hold Crayton and hold the boys and Ivy and look forward to breathing again after Tuesday.

Thankyou again to every person who has gone out of their way to show us such love and support not just this week but every single day for the past year. It has been amazing and overwhelming and has made a difference to the worst year of my life. I imagine each comment left, each anecdote told, each candle lit to be a brushstroke and I can stand back a year on and see the most amazing painting..It shows such love and comfort and generosity of spirit.

Every person grieves differently but for me, the ability to share Ava with so many people, to hear so many beautiful things said of her and to feel like she really does live on in people's minds and hearts helps me. Every single day. I am thankful.

Just a couple of things...

I have a new email address - I have already notified as many people as possible from my address book but in case I've missed someone, the email link here is the new one.

Ava's memorial site may have difficulties over, ironically, the 3rd Feb - 5th Feb. The server will be down for maintenance at times so if you would have liked to light a candle, please just keep trying and if not, please still light one after the 5th..the candles lit and the comments left there mean a lot to us.

Finally, to Ava. You were, are, and always will be, my sunshine.

With much love.

My heart skips..

2008-02-01T06:51:00.000+10:00

an extra beat today. Because it's February. Because I don't want it to be. Because it seems so recently..Not too many days before today, I was oblivious. I was happy. I thought I was pretty lucky (and quite clever) really - 2 boys, 2 girls. All 2 years apart. But of course life gets in the way of gratitude on a daily basis and like all people, I whinged about the usual..sleep deprivation, school issues, wanting my house to look all perfectly perfect..

But then, on this day one year ago, I found myself in hospital with kidney stones. If you've ever had them, you'll believe me when I describe the pain as very, very akin to labour without drugs. And just to really make it a competely gruesome experience, the pethadine I had for two days before surgery made me vomit until I thought I'd turn inside out.

I was so incredibly miserable and missed my family and normal days with them so, so much. All I wanted was to be healthy and to be home. The boys started a new school that week and I wasn't even there for their first day. As I sat parked in a wheelchair with a dish in my lap one morning, I clearly recall telling myself that there was NOTHING more important than just being healthy and being with the ones you love.

When I did get home, I was grateful. I looked forward to getting completely well again and remembering what really matters. I didn't know I only had two more days with Ava.

I feel robbed that four out of her last seven days I was not even at home.

I feel robbed that I sent her to kindy an extra day because I needed the rest.

I feel robbed that I let her sleep at Grandads the night before she left.

How I wish I could go back and sit with her, every second of that week...That month...For every single second of her 1263 days. Just to hold her and breathe her in and study her face and her hands and her big big brown eyes. To tell her she was my dream come true, my biggest wish granted.

But I cannot. I can only desperately try to recall every possible moment we shared, to stare at her photos until my eyes sting and to believe with all my heart that she knew, without a shadow of a doubt, just how much she was loved and what she meant to me.

As I walk through the days leading up to one year, I can't help but replay that week..over and over. I can't help but imagine.

If only.

Masonisms.

2008-01-30T17:18:00.000+10:00

In recent days, the boys have taken to raiding my wardrobe. I found it a little amusing at first until I discovered them adorned in sock-stuffed bras, doubled over laughing. I told them in no uncertain terms to go and remove my underwear at once. (Mind you, I had to bite my lips to stop from laughing). As they shuffled from the room, Luca pokes Mason and says "Mine are bigger."

Mason's reply? "Yeah but mine are stronger".

And we all fell about laughing.

Today.

2008-01-29T22:37:00.000+10:00

Today the boys started school.

Today we ran around like mad people

trying to get out of the house on time.

Today we bought Ivy a fancy new carseat

while she cried on my hip and

continually asked for toast.

Today I paid a hundred bills.

Or so it seemed.

Today I went to school too early for pickup

and the boys had too much cake

and I spent an hour tidying their

unbelievably messy rooms.

Today, Ava should have started school.

thought

nothing

else.

The Beach, Family and Friends*

2008-01-29T16:48:00.000+10:00

* Post Title courtesy of Mason.

For the Australia Day public holiday, we went to a local beach here with family..

I didn't hold out a lot of hope, after all we just moved from some of the best beaches in the World..I couldn't imagine it being anything too impressive. I was wrong. We had a really lovely, relaxing afternoon - it was actually dark when we left! I don't know what it is about Australia Day, it really does make you want to put your thongs on, throw some snags on the barbie and play cricket.

Here are a zillion photos..

(You'll have to excuse the filthy state of Ivish..I'm hoping her sweet little face distracts.)

The boys cut a deal with me that went something like this:

"Mum if you take a photo then we have to be allowed to get our legs wet."

"Okay, it's a deal. But only up to the bottom of your shorts. I don't want you dirty."

And here's cold hard proof that my children do listen.

The eternally gorgeous Miss India.

Luca, refusing to "look normal" for me. (The very reason photographers actually pay other photographers to capture their children.)

And my favourite images of the day:

Dream On.

2008-01-26T13:02:00.000+10:00

I saw a butterfly catcher at the toystore.

Whilst I don't really like the notion of catching butterlies, I just couldn't resist the idea of Ivy running through fields, hair blowing in the wind, playfully chasing skies full of butterlies..and of course me discreetly photographing this dreamy scene from a distance. This was my incredibly realistic vision whilst I paid and travelled home with pink catcher.

Fast forward a day to the much anticipated butterly catching shoot...

Ivy alternating between filling the net with stones until it was so heavy it couldn't be lifted and racing everywhere except on the grass. Mummy huffing along behind, shouting instructions to try and catch the moths (not a flutterby in sight) whilst Ivy looked away with bemused indifference.

Neither the butterflies nor the toddler were going to give me my photo opportunity that day. Well not the vision in my head anyway.

Still, I had a lot of fun proofing these...I'm trying out some different processing at the moment..needs some work but I'm liking the different tones.

I'm seeing a marketing opportunity. If they renamed them "toddler catchers", imagine the sales?

And these are a couple I did a little more outside the square.. What do you think?

Beauty from afar.

2008-01-24T23:11:00.000+10:00

I have often imagined one gigantic post where I get to show all the amazing gifts sent to us over the past year but I never seem to have a full day just to get them on here! So, I will perhaps break it down and try to show some of the little bits of beauty and joy that have arrived on our doorstep.

My amazing friend, Krysta sent the most incredible gift a little while ago..

Firstly, Krysta's aunt Sue drew this absolutely gorgeous poem and sketch of Ava.

The poem reads:

Perhaps God is a poet

Who writes with words

Of flesh and bone and leaf and flower

Every hour of every day,

Words pour out of the Poet's heart

And every word is beautiful

And true and worth the telling.

And when each

Poem is perfect

And there is no more which ought to be said,

The Poet gently takes the words

Back into his heart, where

They are safe forever...

And then begins again.

When Krysta first sent an email showing the illustration and the words, Crayton and I both stood staring at the screen, tears flowing. We never ever stop being amazed that strangers can be so giving and bring us comfort from so far away.

Soon after, all the way from the States, we received a very big box which the kids gleefully helped pull open only to find, along with the portrait, a collection of the most girly, tizzy, flowery bits I'd ever seen! Here is Ivy showing off in her extra sparkly shoes, flower hem tutu (yes the hem actually has flowers sitting in it!!) and gorgeous hair clips.

Thankyou Krysta, 1000 thankyous, for being the beautiful friend that you are and thankyou so much to Sue for such a special gift...we will forever cherish it.

S xx

Extra Special Boy. Extra Special Day.

2008-01-23T23:31:00.000+10:00

Happiest Birthday for my Macey. In twenty nine minutes, he's officially seven.

I have to tell you, Mason is an amazing child. As amazing as all my other amazing children, really :) But he does have a special something of his own - ask anyone who knows him. He speaks like a Shakespearean actor, and is equally as dramatic as one, falling to the floor wailing 421 times a day. (If whining were a sport, he'd compete for Australia.)

He is THE most affectionate boy, demanding "HUG" every time we wander past and says he loves me "infinity times infitinty". He's also very clever, lives on Weetbix and insists on wearing his shoes on opposite feet with shoelaces undone.

Last night, I found him fast asleep in front of the tv. I lugged him up endless stairs, huffing and heaving and staggering the whole way. As I broke my back gently laying him on his bed, the corners of his mouth turned up in a little grin and his eyes pop wide open. Gobsmacked that I'd been had, I told him he was 100% brat, and he just disolved into giggles. As I left the room he says "I'm really very sorry Mummy, I just love to be carried".

He's such a sod and honestly, I love him to bits. Happy Birthday Meester Macey.

A Favour, If I May.

2008-01-22T16:32:00.001+10:00

A confession: I have very seldomly searched the web for my name or Ava's. I am too afraid of what I could find..a confronting news story, the wrong comment on a forum, anything really..I'm just scared of the unknown. So it's only if people give me direct links that I get to see the beautiful words others have written.

I've started a project for the boys and Ivy. In years, I want to be able to let them know every thing I can about Ava's short life and try to demonstrate how many people missed her when she left. I have photographed every beautiful gift ever given to us along with all the heartfelt words and gorgeous balloon photos and cards and paintings and illustrations... I will compile them into a photobook but I also want to add whatever I can find on the Internet.

I would be so grateful if you have blogged or know of anyone else who has blogged about Ava and could leave me a link so I can add it to the book. It's only for our family but if anyone objects to having their entry included, of course just let me know in case it gets collected along the way.

Thankyou, so much :)

S xx

The Out-Takes {A Session With Ivy}

2008-01-21T23:07:00.000+10:00

While we were away I tried to con Ivy into letting me take a few snaps. I should have known better. She's two and she's evil. (Did I also mention she's LOUD? She actually has the voice of ten toddlers). The boys tried to assist me, giving her all sorts of threats and bribes at an attempt to get her to stay on the rug, including demonstrating where to lie. She just saw an opportunity to jump on their backs. Hard. Pretty soon the boys were defeated, my patience was thinning and my memory card ran out. Tell me again why I photograph children?

Pure evil, I tell you.

Both Hands Full.

2008-01-20T12:05:00.000+10:00

I've been away for a few days. I came home to a couple of hundred emails, so many of them beautiful comments and little anecdotes that have lifted my spirits. One though, a comment on my blog with nothing more than a link, has taken my breath away and made my heart sing...When I saw "Super Princess" in the URL my heart began to beat a little faster while I waited for it to open...

A while ago, I woke up to the sun tickling my face and when I opened my eyes, I saw a tiny white butterfly flutter in through the window. It inspected my room, landed on my pillow, seemingly scolding me just a little for daring to still be asleep on such a dazzlingly sunny day. I smiled and it danced out of the window as quickly as it come in.

It reminded me of Ava. Superprincess Ava. Whose story has touched me in so ways over the past year and whose beautiful mother is hanging in there so bravely.

That butterfly made me smile for the first time in a long while, as does Ava, even though I never knew her.

I made this picture months ago, but it never left my computer. After my little butterfly encounter, I gave the little angel white butterfly wings, but never uploaded the picture. I have become very wary of sharing things that I make, afraid of rejection and of criticism. But then I thought that's wrong. Every moment matters, we have so little time, and it is so much more important to reach out to others than to swallow things for some silly reason.

This beautiful illustration and these words are by GrueneWolken.

I feel so lucky. I don't know how that's possible when I also feel so unlucky, but I do. I can't quite take in the impact Ava has had on so many people. I can't imagine how it has come about that she is loved and thought about by so many who never knew her. How can that be?

For a long time, it was a bittersweet thing...The knowing that it wasn't just me seeing her beauty. It wasn't just me missing her. That she really was that special and she WAS meant to stay here and that she is simply too missed by too many people. I didn't want to know about fate and destiny and a time to go. That didn't make any sense when so many people felt so deeply. Many times I've wanted to stand up on a table in a crowded place and shout "There has been a terrible mistake". I wanted to be able to go to someone. To put it in writing and start a petition and complain to a higher being.

This illustration was such a lovely gift today. I realised I was able to look at it and really, truly smile. My heart didn't hurt. I didn't wonder and question. I love that strangers have come to know Ava. I love that she has, literally, made the World a more beautiful place. Even if it were just one other Mother out there hugging one other child a little tighter today, then the World is a better place, isn't it? But it's so many more than one.

I've been told of so many beautiful little moments...where little girls are allowed to wear bikinis in Winter and ponchos in Summer, where lipstick is happily applied at dawn by a sleepy eyed parent, where hallways have become beaches for the day and where mothers have crawled into their children's bed in the middle of the night to wrap them tight and thank God for their being..just because of Ava. In February, I wrote that I hoped for this very thing.

Someone once said you hold the grief of your child in one hand and your joy in the other..that they never really meet. It totally makes sense to me...nothing diminishes the sadness of missing Ava but I am so incredibly thankful that I am given little and big bits of joy every day from so many people who see Ava's beauty and light. I struggle to fully explain just what it means. I feel very lucky. Thankyou.

With love.

S xx

Pull Us Apart and Put Us Back Together Right.

2008-01-14T22:24:00.000+10:00

Just a line from a song I like but always stands out as my impossible wish.

Thankyou, from the bottom of my heart, for the support and kindness so many of you show me every single day but espescially since my last post. I am so grateful for all the comments and emails I get.. So many kind, beautiful people the World over - I feel very blessed to get the support I do. Thankyou.

Every now and then I check back over my Inbox and find messages I didn't reply to right away and then realise it's three weeks later, or three months. I'm honestly so sorry if I've missed a reply to someone - please know just how much I appreciate every email I get.

So here are a few randoms from yesterday:

Mister Macey and his face of a thousand expressions. First chipper, then obviously not happy with my response then finally launching into the inevitable appeal stage.

And Ivish, all dressed up with nowhere to go except down our driveway. She is looking simply smashing in a Little Leona frock generously supplied by Carrie, teamed with an Oilily cardigan which an airhostess once asked me, quite hilariously, if I had knitted myself.

All The Days Are Normal {A Beginning, A Middle but Never An End}

2008-01-13T14:34:00.001+10:00

Such a normal day.

Thought I should stay in bed and let Crayton get up with the kids, still sore from surgery. Didn't. Thought about my new website..wrote emails..looked through toy catalogues. Ava asked me to use the IQ and rewind the show on tv but we couldn't find the remote. We laughed while she scrambled to find it, me winding her up, saying that it was just about finished and it'd be too late. She watched it three times over.

In Grandad's study she sat on my lap while I worked until I said "Sweetie Mummy loves having you here but I can't see while your head's in the way" and I put her beside me. She played with the beaded heart. She pulled out my craft supplies. She asked what something was in the catalogue. Over and over. The same thing. "What's this Mummy". And over and over, I told her. Luca asking to rearrange beds. He didn't want to share with his brother anymore. I said okay.

We left. She wanted to go back and get something. She yelled and cried because I wouldn't. Ten paces from Grandads, I could have just turned around. But I didn't. I walked inside. Grumpy. She followed me, grumpier. She yelled the house down and Daddy said to go and get it. And she did. She turned around and walked down that hall. Crying and complaining.

Re-arranging. Getting rid of rubbish. Making the boys rooms look so nice. Finding Ava's missing baby doll. Should I take it over to her at Grandads? She'd be so happy I found it. No, I'll just put it aside for her. "Crayte be careful throwing things over the balcony, look out for Ava". "Yes boys, you can swim but sunscreen first." They laughed while I used too much and made a game of it.

Cashews. I had a hand full of cashews. "BOYS. IS AVA DOWN THERE?". What? Ava wouldn't be down there? Why is Ava not where she should be? Why is Crayton calling her? He's just been to Grandads. Why is she not there? Where on Earth is she?

No, no, it's okay, it'll be okay..Frowning.

Walking, fast. There's Grandad. In front of the car. Where's Ava? Where did she say she was going? What? But she's not at my house? And only ten seconds later. There was Ava. In an instant, a split instant, I knew. Before I even opened the door, I knew. The shock and the terror and the chaos and the panic and the confusion. She was there and she was breathing but she was gone. I knew.

And forty eight terrifying hours ticked by before our adored girl, our sweet, longed-for Ava, slipped away.

For many months I've had these words swirling around in my head. I've pieced them together into some kind of story..a beginning, a middle and an end. Except the ending hasn't ended. I don't expect it ever will. The ending is so long and painful and drawn out..I suppose it's not really an ending at all then?

Why do I need to share Ava and espescially these moments? I don't know. Maybe I hope someone will come along and explain it to me? Maybe someone has the answer as to how that perfectly ordinary, sunny day could become what it did? We adored Ava, she was so loved and protected. It was just a normal day. We are good parents. How?

And there are so so many things about the 24 hours before her accident that were not normal. Just little variations, tiny things really, but one-offs. All piecing together to make way for our tragedy. Lining up ready to steal our child and our joy and our vision of the future. Just one thing...one thing different. I can't make sense of it, it scrambles and blurs when I try to.

What has become clear to me though is that you can plan and hope all you want, you can imagine and presume and expect life to go a certain way but really, there is no watertight guarantee. All the days are "normal". The happy ones, the sick ones, the bored ones, the tragic ones. I am no expert, I have less clarity than the average person but what I have found, because of One Normal Day, is this:

Live each day, every single day, with the understanding that one does not necessarily lead into the other. Hug your family. Tight. Put aside What Does Not Matter. Tomorrow could be a completely new kind of normal.

S xxx

Camera Wielding Mother Strikes Again

2008-01-10T22:15:00.000+10:00

Yes I know it belongs with all things tasteless and tacky - photos of your offspring on the potty. BUT, we all have them. AND, it's such a special trip to the toilet, this one. See it's her first time. After months of backing away emphatically repeating "no way", this is a huge achievement. And she proves that there really is no situation where she doesn't look adorable, right?

Who knew it could be this much fun?

And so what goes where?

Love the concentration here!

Of course I'm a bit thrilled at the notion of not having to change nappies, after 9 years of doing it, but I'm also nervous. I can't imagine no baby in the house. Mum and I have agreed she can stay drinking out of bottles at least another twelve years but the nappy thing? I'm not sure they'll work so well under her Seven jeans. Oh well, at least they should keep the boys at bay.

I'm leaving.

2008-01-08T21:53:00.001+10:00

And no further discussion will be entered into.

What was I saying just the other day? That I'm not really a rural girl? That I don't cope well with creatures.? I did say that, didn't I? Well apparently my blog gets read out in the garden because it seems an unsavoury group of wildlife got together and decided to play a joke on me.

Upon waking the morning before last, THIS is what was sharing our bedroom. A mere three meters from where we had spent the previous 8 hours, completely unaware. Not only him, but his web..casually draped all over the room. As I stood on the bed to take these photos, I got web in my hair. I kid you not. I would not ever lie about such a thing.

He was promptly removed by my Superhero Father-In-Law and placed out in the garden. (Simply because I couldn't bear to imagine that thing galloping around the room after being sprayed).

I've told Mum to make up the spare room. I've informed the children I shalln't be staying.

It's been very nice up until this point, thankyou.

And yes, Giant Furry Mutant Spiders, you get the last laugh. You crazy bunch.

Ivy-o-Rama

2008-01-07T17:35:00.000+10:00

Yes, yes..it's 'er again. The shortest human in the house. I don't normally do re-runs of old shoots (yes, four days ago is old now!) but have been playing with some more from the yellow dress series...a little brighter than I usually like but seems to work for these?

..and a "behind the scenes" shot with Mason, the obliging bubble blower operator!

And, just for you Shayne, I will try to remember to say where all those kid bits are from! I'm more than happy to spread the shopping love (but accept no reponsibility for credit card mishaps!!!)
Ivy's Mill and Mia dress from Baby's Got Style.
Mason's Fred Bare cargo pants & Bonds tshirt.

Domestic Goddess In Training.

2008-01-06T09:49:00.001+10:00

And of course she's learning from the best, isn't she?
Ivy loves to get the baby wipes and wipe down the house. And I love to let her.

How could one look so positively scrumptious cleaning in nothing other than a ruffle-bum bloomer? I'm pretty sure it'd be a different vision with me.

Slipping into something more comfortable.

2008-01-05T21:27:00.000+10:00

This week I've shot and proofed for me, and me alone. I find sometimes it's so easy to get caught up in what's "technically acceptable" that you start to lose sight of what's artistically creative. I then get bored and have to force myself to work around "the rules". My favourite images are often out of focus and super grainy..I just love the intrigue of a hazy, distored image. Holga, Polaroid, Lomo..they all hugely inspire me and make me want to ditch my digicam and get my hands on some scratchy old film.
As much as Photoshop feels like a poor cousin to me when I'm feeling inspired, I like these of Ivy.
S xx

A Little Bit of Missing.

2008-01-04T22:10:00.001+10:00

I'm suprised that I'm still okay with being here, that I haven't had any major breakdowns about leaving the Coast, yet. I generally try not to think about the things I've left behind, I fear I'd fall in a heap if I let myself but there is something.. I'm finding that I'm missing kindy. Not just because I have a house full of children with cabin fever due to the constant drizzle - it's more than that.

I miss how much the staff loved our kids..even before February.
I miss walking Ivy up the ramp into the centre - it would always remind me of Ava doing the same and let me "see" her for a moment.

I miss driving past and trying to see how much Ava's gardenia's had grown. "Missa Jema" planted them into a heart in the garden where Ava played each afternoon.

I just miss that part of Ava's life not being part of ours now.

I will never forget Miss Lisa ringing me at the hospital that Sunday morning...having to explain what had happened...One day I'm talking to her about kindy lunch and the next...well..It was just a horrendous moment in the nightmare of those two days. It felt like breaking news to a family member.

Since that day, we have been so lucky to have had such support from the kindy community in so many forms. One of the most special things done for us this year was the creation of Ava's memorial seat. It really is the most gorgeous bench, one of Superprincess standards. When it was installed, the centre held a beautiful service, full of reflection and peace..a day I will always cherish.
Here is a snap of the bench, it doesn't remotely do it justice. I regret not taking more time to capture it properly but I will visit it often, I'm sure. The amazing background you see was painted by a very talented Mum at the centre to make Ava's spot even more magical. Isn't it lovely?

And Missa Jema saying goodbye to Ivy the day we left..

My last image of Ava, taken 02 Feb at kindy on Ivy's first day there.

Lisa, Tracy, Gloria and everyone at YDCCC, I could never have known that day in 2003 when I walked through the door with Mason just what an impact we would have on one another. Thankyou for being part of our family and making us feel part of yours, you have helped us through some dark days and truly made a difference this past year.
S xx

A Little Bit of Happy

2008-01-04T21:02:00.000+10:00

came to me today when I went into the newsagent to get my favourite magazine, Frankie. As I quickly checked this months art poster, I was shocked and amazed to see "Found" by none other than the beautiful Mandy from Belle and Boo! It was just such a suprise to see something so familiar there...I actually own the Lost and Found prints, they're my favourites - after Ava's of course. I had to ring Mandy all the way in London just to squeal down the phone! I loved that magazine from the first edition because it included an Abbey McCulloch poster - she's my favourite artist and we own two of her paintings but now to add in a Mandy...what can I say? Happy happy joy joy.

Luca livin' in the seventies.

2008-01-02T06:36:00.000+10:00

We often say Luca is an old soul. He just knows stuff. I think he's been around more than once but his most recent previous life has to have had him hanging out in the mid seventies. He's just so, well..hippy. As I'm typing this out, he's telling me we're not to cut down any trees when we landscape. As I paused to look at him, he casually gave me the peace sign, oblivious to the subject of my post here.

Seeing as I'm so into the whole retro vibe with my photography lately, we make a good match, when he's up for posing that is. These images are more your panel van/chicco roll flavour (sorry to my overseas readers!) rather than a tree hugging/peace rally feel but still, I'm digging it.

Peace Out.

Random bits.

2008-01-02T04:47:00.000+10:00

Ivish, first thing New Years Day, bright as a button.

..And three hours later, having a nanna nap on the lounge :)

Cousin Bass is visiting this week -I've barely seen the boys since he arrived. How is it you increase the numbers and the noise goes down? I'm not complaining.

Stop all the clocks.

2007-12-31T14:08:00.000+10:00

Stop all the clocks, cut off the telephone,
Prevent the dog from barking with a juicy bone,
Silence the pianos and with muffled drum
Bring out the coffin, let the mourners come.

Let aeroplanes circle moaning overhead
Scribbling on the sky the messages, She Is Dead,
Put crepe bows round the white necks of the public doves,
Let the traffic policemen wear black cotton gloves.

She was my North, my South, my East and West,
My working week and my Sunday rest,
My noon, my midnight, my talk, my song;
I thought that love would last for ever: I was wrong.

The stars are not wanted now: put out every one;
Pack up the moon and dismantle the sun;
Pour away the ocean and sweep up the wood.
For nothing now can ever come to any good.

- W.H Auden

In not too many hours, this year will have ended. Undeniably, the worst year of our lives. New Years Eve is normally a time of reflection anyway but this year it's so much more significant...a huge part of me does not want this year to end. I do not want to have to say we lost our daughter last year. I fear that somehow it will seem to people that it might have a little less significance, be a little less painful, that time might have made a difference between "this" year and "last".

I used to joke that I couldn't keep using the excuse of having a newborn for forgetting things when the newborn was turning 2. How long can I say that I've lost my daughter "recently". How long does recent cover? And if I can't say recently, does that then mean that I'm supposed to miss Ava a little less or feel a little less broken?

I struggle so much with the notion that time is supposed to heal. I know to my very core that time will not heal our pain. Time will only make other people think it has. Time will show us what Ava should have been doing. Time will simply mark the hours since our adored daughter left and a part of us died.

When we first lost Ava, I would plead for people to tell me it would get better. I would seek out other bereaved parents who seemed to look "okay". I couldn't fathom that my life, my forever, would now include engulfing heartbreak every day. But it does. It's awful and it's uncomfortable and it's unfixable. It is what it is.

I don't want to move one second, letalone one year further away from my last day with Ava. I don't want to think of her kindy friends starting school shortly. I don't want to find her toys dusty or watch her dresses fade. I want the World to know that no matter how many New Years ring in, our pain and our missing and our yearning will never fade.